Ask Anko
by dave-d
Summary: A famous fortune teller retires. Wanting to shift attention to someone else, she fingers an unwilling Anko as her replacement. Tsunade wants the jounin to accept. Why? What might happen, with Orochimaru's former apprentice calling the shots?
1. Chapter 1

It was spring.

Maybe that explained it. Then again, maybe not.

An observer would wonder why the shinobi were lining up outside the small house with its well-manicured lawn and plethora of small pets.

Seeing that a vast majority of the ninjas were kunoichi, and many were chuunin or younger, he or she might surmise that it had something to do with affairs of the heart. That guess would be spot on target.

Madame Pythia, a kindly and immaculate lady of indeterminate age, ran her small shop like a queen of yore. Servants and patrons alike catered to her every whim, and waited on her every word. A spectator would wonder why. The answer was simple. After a number of 'predictions' became true, she had swiftly been named a seeress or miracle worker by the superstitious and hopeful masses of Hidden Leaf Village.

Some said she was clairvoyant. Others wondered if she were truly human. As her fame spread to distant towns and enclaves, the legend grew more and more fanciful, if not outright ridiculous. But, for the eager townspeople waiting to spend their money, this was a fun and frivolous escape from the drudgery and danger of their everyday life.

A student of ancient history, specializing in faraway lands, the opportunistic granddame was well aware of the stories concerning the Oracle of Delphi, the most important shrine in all ancient Greece. While her prophesizing would not determine the time when a farmer would plant his seeds, or give clues to when an empire should declare war, the small shop seemed to be the center of the world to a large number impressionable young men and women, civilians and ninjas alike.

In keeping with the theme, there was a 'sacred spring,' which in reality was nothing more than a small pond. Large cracks in the floor belched forth 'mysterious vapors,' thanks to coals and pots of bubbling chemicals hidden beneath rusty dust-covered screens. As a savvy and suspicious person might expect, there was a legend associated with it all. At that site… long before the village was even built… a hero had supposedly slain a great snake, which fell into a deep and foreboding chasm. Vapors rose up from its decomposing body, even to the present day. Naturally, the names Apollo and Python were not mentioned. Things had to fit local legends.

The well-respected woman, who had been a runaway serf from a distant nation, staggered into Konoha as a half-starved child many years before. She sheltered in libraries, learning what she could as she grew. Hanging around with fortune-tellers in the seedier parts of town eventually left her with an enviable assortment of tricks and deceptions. As the years passed, and fate dropped her headfirst into her current position, she had amassed a rather amazing sum of money. Finally, it was time to sit back and enjoy the good life.

For the better part of the morning, the patrons continued to shuffle into the shop through one door… spend their time and money with Madame Pythia… and exit out the back, where they would congregate and gossip with their friends. As people made their way over the well-tread wooden floorboards, they were treated to a view of the various items that the mysterious woman kept on hand.

There was a small parlor for _palmistry _, _cheirognomy, chiromancy, _and reading the aspects of the nails, known as _onychomancy_. Shelves held books and scrolls on the subject of hand analysis and _dermatoglyphics_. The same room was used for Potomac, reading of the feet…and _siang mien_, a Chinese art of face reading. A larger more ornate room was set up for astrology, as evidenced by the mysterious markings on the hand-woven rug and hanging tapestries. That chamber doubled as the site for Kumulak, Tarot, _Baraja Española_, and _Mlle Lenormand _card reading. A half-open door led to a small room used by the more adventuresome clients, or those who just _had _to sample everything.

There was _gastromancy_. As a self-proclaimed gastromantic expert, Madame Pythia could interepret markings on someone's abdomen, or make sense of rumblings in their stomach. She also offered _geta-uranai_. For farmers, she would predict the weather, by kicking a geta… wooden sandal…into the air. The way it fell provided the answer. _Mammomancy _was more popular than one might think. Evaluation of the shape and size of a woman's breasts told the seeress about the romantic and sexual personality of the examinee. _Omphalomancy_… called by some, Omphilomancy… was another strange art. Their were secrets to be learned from interpretation of the belly button, its size and its shape. For a small fee, she would also check the number of knots in the umbilical cord of a newborn baby, discovering how many more brothers or sisters were yet to come.

_Phallomancy_ was just what it sounded like. _Phyllorhodomancy_ might be one of the strangest means of divination offered. The patron would take a bunch of roses and slap them repeatedly against their hands. The loudness of the sound the roses made revealed the answer to any possible question. What a nice excuse to buy yourself a couple of bunches of roses. Then again, how many arts were odder than _Tyromancy? _The customer would write possible answers on pieces of paper, and attach them to pieces of cheese. The cheese was then put in a rat's cage, and the first piece eaten was the one that gave the answer. _Uromancy_ was a favorite of those who had too much to drink, or were cursed with overly small bladders. Madame Pythia would inspect the appearance of urine and predict the client's future.

At one point, a large ornate clock began to sound. The well-groomed servants ran about, opening all of the doors to the shop, and ushering everyone outside. Colored smoke began wafting out of the vents. Girls dressed in fanciful clothing ran about tossing rose petals. Trumpets sounded. Cages of doves were released, and the captive birds winged their way skyward in a cloud of feathers.

"Everyone gather around…" Madame Pythia's voice was amplified, so that everyone in the large crowd could hear her. "The time has finally come… my connection to the Mystic draws to an end…" As she paused, the sound of gasps and hushed conversations grew louder and louder. "It has been an honor and a privilege to share my divine gifts with you all… but, from this point on, my readings would no longer be valid…" That statement did not draw derogatory remarks, or shouts of derision. A number of girls swooned. A few called out, begging the woman to change her mind. "Please… do not be alarmed… I am prepared to name my successor…" Waving her voluminous sleeves about, she released the caged butterflies she had kept inside them. A few fireworks were lit, sending small rockets and fountains of sparks skyward.

Madame Pythia began to shake, as if she were having convulsions. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she thrust her fingers in one direction, and then another. As the shocked and excited crowd watched, she spun slowly in circles, babbling strange words in various languages. Then, she stopped. Her arm stretched out, rigid and straight. Her index finger pointed.

Everyone turned to look. The crowd parted, so that everyone could see what Madame Pythia saw. Some of them nearly tumbled into the spring, as the eager crowd moved as one.

"There… _she _is the one… it has been shown to me in my dreams…" The sooth-sayer bowed. "My blessings upon her… the next keeper of the truth." This was the perfect way to get all of the attention off of her, and onto someone else. _Anyone_ else. What her unknowing 'target' would do with such a designation didn't concern her.

"Who is it?" "Who's the new seer?" "I have to know… can someone tell me… anyone…." Voice after voice cried out. The crowd began to surge forward, surround a small knot of people who had been walking down the shaded boulevard, civilian and shinobi alike. "Can someone see who it is?"

"I can." An elderly man struggled forward, his weight bending the thin old stick he leaned on. "That girl there… the one with the black hair…"

"It's Anko," one genin called out. "Mitarashi Anko."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

There were only two people in the Hokage's office.

One of them, middle-aged but seeming much younger than her appearance, formed a steeple out of her hands, carelessly knocking a few reports off of her desk. She was too tired to notice.

Grimacing, and tossing a kunai in one hand, the other woman was just as old as she looked. She was also just as angry, and just as annoyed. The erstwhile apprentice to Orochimaru rubbed the place where her curse seal once was. All of the commotion had driven herto distraction, almost to the point where she was willing to turn the Dual Snake Destroyer on herself.

"**This is ridiculous!" **Anko stomped her foot. "I didn't ask for _any_ of this!" She shivered in her rage. "I can't go anywhere… _do_ anything… there's no peace…" The breath hissed out between her teeth, making her sound like a snake. Hearing that, she scowled even more. "Those idiots won't leave me alone."

"I know." Tsunade watched Anko behind heavy lids. She yawned because she was exhausted, not because she was bored or unconcerned. "But, like I told you, the people have too much of themselves wrapped up in this foolishness." She yawned again, and then rubbed her eyes. "If they were to find out that Madame Pythia was a fraud, who knows what some of them might do." She hung her head. In the past, she had held off from exposing the woman, because she was doing as much good as bad, even though that had not been her intention. During these difficult times, any ember of hope had to be kept burning.

"It's not _my_ responsibility!" Anko was rebellious in spirit, but loyal in practice. She was doing her best to distance herself from Orochimaru in every manner possible. Just the same, her wild streak rose its angry head now and again. "If _I'm_ supposed to be the seer, maybe I should just point my finger at someone else. I'd love to see Gai in a priestess' dress!" She grinned a savage grin. "No… Asuma… with a wreath of flowers in his hair…"

"_Hmmmm-mmm-mm-m_…" Tsunade massaged her temples. She managed a small grin, having a mischievous streak of her own. "As seeress, you _could_ get people to do that, you know." Immediately, she bit her lip. She didn't want to create a monster. That might cause even more trouble. "Like I said, this is only temporary. If you listen to what they ask, and give them highly improbable answers, they will give up their trust in fortune telling. They will do it slowly… gradually… _and_ peacefully…"

"But…" Anko clenched her fists, feeling a need to shout. Then, she paused. One eyebrow lifted up, followed by the other. "Well…" Her eyes narrowed, and a small smile appeared. "I can do what I like… without getting in trouble for it… _right?"_

"Yes," Tsunade said. Her face went stiff, and her jaw set. "Within reason." She yawned again. "Otherwise I predict that _you_ will fall on hard times." The air suddenly fell as if the temperature fell by two dozen degrees. _"Very _hard."

"It is the duty of a shinobi of the Leaf to do as he or she is commanded," Anko said, sounding perfectly serious. The look in her eyes gave her away. "If this is how I am required to serve my village, I will do my best." Her 'Inner Anko' was rubbing its hands together, a look of glee on its face. She hated the way that some saps seemed to actually believe all that mumbo jumbo. She was no less disgusted by those others who doubted its authenticity, but allowed themselves to get caught up in the pomp and circumstance just the same. They all deserved anything and everything they might get.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all," the Hokage muttered under her breath. "OK. Do what you feel you must. But, show as much discretion as you can." She took a drink from a cup of tea that had long since gone cold. "Oh… by the way… there will be an undercover mission coming up soon… one requiring a kunoichi to pose as a geisha…"

Anko's smile vanished. Was that a threat? Would Tsunade assign _her, _if she took things too far? "I understand, Ma'am." She gave the Hokage a jaunty salute. "Once I get a feel for all of the tricks of the trade, I will predict the name of the kunoichi you should send." She smiled a lop-sided smile. "No charge."

"Go on," Tsunade said, sighing. Dealing with Anko was a lot like dealing with Naruto. That was difficult enough when she was wide awake, at full strength, and in control of all of her faculties. "Don't make me regret this."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The gong sounded.

The resounding crash was followed by long echoes and reverberations. The servants all wore ear plugs. Anko did not.

"**I told you to stop doing that!" **The irritable jounin held her hands over her ears, fighting the urge to draw a weapon. It was taking more time than she expected to break the last vestiges of Madame Pythia's hirelings of their long-standing habits.

"Customers _expect _that, Lady Anko." The eldest of the remaining servants said. The others nodded their heads."

"If I hear that damn gong again, someone can expect _this!" _She gave in, pulling out a short sword. "I'm _not _joking." She sighed. This had not been fun so far. Especially since all of the money the patrons paid was ear-marked for charity funds. Tsunade had been adamant about that.

"We have another gift, Lady Anko." A much younger servant walked in carrying a silver tray. On it sat a box of dango. The Japanese dumplings, made from mochiko rice flour, were sticky and filling. They had been Anko's favorite food, prior to her assuming the mantle of a mystic.

"Let me guess," Anko said, making a face. "More dango." Once the visitors found out that she like dango, they brought it by the bucketful. Skewer after skewer were filled with sweet bean paste dango; mitarashi syrup dango; kinako toasted soy flour dango; goma sesame seed dango; or nori dried seaweed dango. "Wow. Lucky me." She almost found herself wishing for some spicy food… and she _hated_ spicy food.

"Yes, Ma'am." The servant placed the box on top of an impromptu pyramid built from other boxes. "Do you wish to inform the newspapers who gave what?" The idea had been to work on people's pride, and see if they might try to contribute larger donations than the patrons who came before them. That had worked well unto the word on dango had gotten out.

"**No**." Anko shook her head, the ringing in her ears slowly disappearing. "Definitely not. That will only cause _more_ trouble." She was tempted to write 'Bad dango nearly kills Lady Anko.' Maybe that would stop the doughy influx. "Especially if the printer makes a second big mistake." There was another word that sounded like 'dango,' but was written as a different character. That word meant bid-rigging or price-fixing, and had nearly ruined one business man's reputation when a small publication wrote 'Business man offers dango to fortune teller'

It seemed that every little part of her life was fodder for the tabloids. No problem. She would predict bad things would happen to anyone who bought those things.

"Should I show in the next aspirant?" An elderly servant stood by the thick velvet curtain that separated that room from the main hallway.

"Do we have any choice," Anko groused, ramming the tip of the sword into the overstuffed arm of her ornate chair. She had already carved her initials in the wood more than a dozen times. She frowned, watching one of her helpers go through the same old routine: scented salts and well-mixed chemicals were thrown on simmering coals or poured into ceramic pots and jars. The lights were turned down low, making the numerous candles the major source of illumination in the room.

The curtain parted. A young girl ran in, dropping rose petals at the feet of the next visitor. Following behind her, the customer entered the darkened room with a jaunty step. It was Maito Gai.

"**Gai!" **Anko stood up abruptly, and then resumed a stately calm appearance. She wouldn't have expected someone as vocal and opinionated as Gai to show up looking for her services. She cleared her throat. "How can Lady Anko help you today?"

"I… well…" Gai seemed at a loss for words, a reportable rarity. "It's…" He threw out his chest and posed. A small spot of candlelight gleamed on one polished tooth. "This is embarrassing. I _should_ be able to do this on my own. But, fortune has gone against me time after time."

"Is it… you know…" Anko fought a smile. In her eyes, Gai was way too straight-edged, and much too full of himself. Especially where women were concerned. Maybe she could bring him down a peg or two. "Trouble getting a date?' She did grin, seeing him flinch and shake his head. "Can't keep it up as long as you like." That left the sturdy man looking weak in the knees.

"**No!" **Gai looked around to make certain no one was eavesdropping. "Nothing of the sort."

"_Ahhh-hh-h…" _Anko yawned. "I'd heard rumors of that sort." That was a blatant lie. But, so what? "What then?" She scowled, hearing one of the servants make an 'ahem' type of noise. "In what way can the wise and munificent Lady Anko aid you?"

"It's Kakashi…" Gai blurted out. "My long time rival…"

"Oh. _Now_ I see." Anko suppressed a laugh. "All that manly talk was just a smokescreen, in good shinobi fashion." She sat up straighter, adjusting the jeweled veil and headband she was wearing. "You want to know how to win the Copy Ninja's heart." One of the servants snorted. The others chastised her quietly.

"**_WHAT?" _**Gai's shout was loud in everyone's ears. The force emanating from his body caused the flames on the candles to flicker. A few actually went out. **"Of course not! **You shouldn't say such things. Especially not _you." _If Lady Anko started a rumor like that, it would be hard to live it down. "I have not done well in our recent contests. Usually, I carry a lead of one or two wins. Now, I find myself one win behind my opponent."

"I see. That _is_ a grave and serious matter." Anko sighed. She couldn't help herself. She wasn't the only kunoichi who viewed those contests with a jaded eye. Enough is enough! They weren't children anymore. "You have come here to see me… and pay the necessary fee… so that you can start winning again…"

"Right," Gai replied. "Victory! Action! A dynamic conquest leaving no room for doubt. A staff of valor, to stir the burning coals in my heart!" He folded his arms over his chest and nodded his head.

"I accept your question," Anko said with a flourish of her hand. "Let us consult the methods." She thought rapidly. What of the many possible tricks could she use? Moreover, what kind of mischief could she pull off here? Looking at Gai, she raised one eyebrow. That hideous green stretchy suit! That was more annoying than her fellow jounin's pontificating. She had to find some way to change that, if only for a short while.

"Madame Pythia usually chose the Rune casts for me," Gai put in. "That, or _Gong Hee Fot Choy_. "

"We can't use Phallomancy," Anko said, ignoring Gai's reference to her predecessor.. "There are size requirements." That left guy sputtering. "I will consult the crystals." She shook a bag full of quartz, calcite, and selenium crystals, and then dumped them on a sequined pillow. She pretended to make something out of the way they lay. "_Mmmm-mmm-mm-m_… it will be the Tarot Cards."

Anko offered Gai some dango as they waited for the servants to bring out a fancy table, hoping she could convince him to take a few dozen boxes with him when he left. She then sent her assistants to retrieve the cards that Madame Pythia had used on so many occasions. When she finally held them in her hands, and invited Gai to take a seat, she sneaked a look at a series of crib notes left behind by the former seeress. "OK. You may cut and shuffle the deck. That will tell us something by itself.

Gai did as he was told. He had never done Tarot with Madame Pythia, so this was all new to him. He said as much to Anko.

"Ahhh… _hmmm_… ohhh…" Anko slapped her hand down hard on the table, after laying out a preliminary group of cards and flipping them over. "That's surprising. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. You will need to be my messenger. As much as I might regret it, there can be no more dango." After that, she spread out the cards and had him select three, telling him it was time for his reading.

"What does it show?" Gai looked like a child waiting to open his holiday presents, after he had followed her instructions.

"First, _this_ one." Anko flipped over the nearest card. "The Fool. Yes. It is an indictment of your bragging behavior." In actuality, the Fool was supposed to indicate new developments, fresh starts, and taking a risk. She turned the next card. "Knight of wands. Travel and action." That was accurate. "Eight of cups Leaving something behind." That too was correct. Running those points through her mind, she grinned. She had the answer. Perfect!

"So?" Gai leaned forward in his chair, reaching out to touch the cards.

"**Don't do that!" **Anko smacked him with the hilt of her sword. "You will confound the energies." It sounded official. She almost burst out laughing, seeing the look on his face. "OK. Bragging can be offset by a humbling experience. Travel and action suggest as race. What should be left behind?" She turned over another card, a ten of swords. That was supposed to mean 'misfortune and endings, failure'. "Clothing."

"**_WHAT'S THAT!" _**Guy stood up so quickly, he almost upended the heavy oaken table.

"To defeat Kakashi, you need to challenge him to a naked race through the streets of Konoha." Anko tried to look stern and serious. "If he refuses, you must run on your own to claim victory, and to show who is the braver, better man." She drew out a set of ten-sided dice and rolled them. She gave Gai a time for the contest.

"I… this…" Gai looked reticent at first. But, his eyes widened and he struck another pose. "This is perfect. I had my doubts about you, but you seem just as accomplished as Madame Pythia. A remarkable accomplishment in so short a time. Then again, _she_ was the one who anointed you." He left after swearing to the 'Honor of the Fallen Heroes' that he would follow through on the challenge.

"This job might not be so bad, after all." Anko's happy exclamation had the servants nodding their heads.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

A small chime sounded.

Everyone agreed. That form of announcement was much better than the gong.

"Show in the next hopeful," Anko said, sitting up straight in the chair. Before that, she had been slumped unceremoniously over the arm, with a leg hooked up over the back of her seat. "Or should I say 'victim'." That was said so that no one else could hear. She sneezed when one of the long peacock feathers in her exotic crown came loose and tickled her in the nose. She tried to brush the clinging mucus off of the similar feathers in her ankle length robes.

The business with Gai had gone of splendidly, from her perspective. Gai, of course, had been far less sanguine. The city populace had mixed reactions themselves, thanks to the coincidental timing of things.

Kakashi, naturally, had refused to participate. He gracefully allowed Gai to chalk up the win. He left shortly thereafter, not wanting to see the spectacle of a naked ninja streaking down the busy avenue and alleyways. Many of the village folk felt the same way. However, there were plenty of onlookers perched on roofs, hanging out of top story windows, or lining the streets. A number of industrious merchants set up food stands, and someone had been selling commemorative T-shirts.

As it turned out, the day was a momentous one in other ways as well. With news of the stunt never reaching the Hokage's ear, she had no chance to change Gai's plans. His run took place at the exact time that visiting dignitaries began arriving in Konoha for a summit meeting of sorts. The Raikage got a particularly good view of Gai's naked posterior as he ran past his carriage. The daughter of the Mizukage, who accompanied her father in hopes of soliciting an arranged marriage, leaped out of her palanquin and began running after Gai. That had driven the jounin to set new speed records.

"Tsunade shouldn't have given me this mission," Anko muttered. Luckily, the Hokage had been able to smooth things over. Rumor had it that the Land of Water was on the verge of declaring war. "She didn't _have _to say that I've replaced Uzumaki Naruto at the top of her list!" Naruto. That was someone she didn't expect to get caught up in this kind of nonsense. It was a shame. With his hot-headed attitude, she could have come up with something really great.

"Lady Anko… your guests…" The servant bowed, and handed two young women complimentary signed photographs of Anko. It was Ino and Temari. The visitor from the Sand was dressed in her customary garb, large metal fan included.

"**Lady Anko!" **Both girls called out at the same time. They then turned and gave each other a nasty glare. Temari held her nose up in superior fashion. That had Ino fighting the desire to strangle her.

"Let me guess…" Anko threw out a handful of chicken bones. They came from last night's supper. "Nara Shikamaru…" That didn't require any divination. The gossip about that love triangle had been rather torrid lately. Well, it wasn't truly a triangle, since the boy wanted nothing to do with it. His reputation as a genius was clearly justified.

"That's _right!" _Ino nodded her head, a look of respect on her face. She felt her last few doubts melt away.

"Yes," Temari said, eying the bones critically. She was a natural skeptic. "_Someone_ keeps getting in my way." She brushed something imaginary off of her sleeve, as if Ino was of no significance whatsoever.

"_Your _way?" Ino's eyes flashed. She was definitely not a fan of Temari, no pun intended. "Who says you even _have_ a way! Besides dressing up like a tramp… something Shikamaru wouldn't approve of… you're not even a member of this village."

"Oh… I don't know… he seems to like it." Temari posed and ran her hands down along her sides. "I've never seen him stare at you the way I caught him staring at _me." _She smiled, causing Ino to clench her fists. "You can bring him a nice selection of flowers, I suppose." She stretched without yawning. "I can do better…"

"Men can't help staring at floozies!" Ino stomped her foot. "It's a guy thing. But, that doesn't mean they _need_ cheap women." She was well aware that Temari was very selective; but, the truth didn't matter at that precise moment. "Someone like Shikamaru needs a woman with class."

"That lets _you _out," Temari said. "In fact…" She was cut-off.

The horrid gong sounded, louder than ever. Anko looked over at the servant who had rang it unprompted, and gave the young man a salute. "Thanks," she said. That squabble had been far more annoying than the gong. When her ears stopped ringing, she said "I take it you want to find out who should get out of who's way?"

Both girls nodded. They then turned their backs on one another and harrumphed. Temari's fan smacked Ino hard in the rump accidentally, almost causing a wild fracas then and there.

"Now is _not _the time for this kind of nonsense." Anko grit her teeth. Temari's high and mighty attitude had always rubbed her the wrong way. So had Ino's supercilious behavior. This might allow her to kill two birds with one stone. "Whoever interrupts the process may find herself in a bad way. Maybe _both_ of you will screw up big time." She fought a grin. This provided her with the perfect excuse. After both girls apologize, without looking very contrite, she went about choosing the method.

If she was lucky, she could find a way to resolve another issue. Akimichi Choji had visited the night before, looking for his own answer. At a loss, she told him that she would literally sleep on it, and then perform a dream interpretation. He had asked about getting Ino's attention.

"What did the dice show?" Ino tried to look calm and cheerful.

"Vedic Astrology," Anko said, making certain she had the necessary cheat sheets for that under the table. She had no clue about the differences between, Vedic, Tibetan, Western, Mayan, and Chinese astrology. She couldn't give a rat's ass. All she needed to do was look like she was in control, and sound like she knew something. Lady Pythia had warned her about which patrons had a good knowledge of divination techniques. These two girls were _not_ among them. "It's been practiced for thousands of years in India, and is a well-respected science recognized by the government of that country. Just as I will do in a few minutes, the doctors of Indian ayurvedic health consult the astrological charts of their patients for further information, as do practitioners of _vastu_." She also had no idea what vastu was. No harm no foul. "As former customers like you must know, it tracks the position of the Sun, Moon and planets against the position of the stars. There are twenty-seven signs based on the movement of the Moon, called _nakshatras_. The key planets are the Sun, Moon, Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, Saturn, and Rahu and Ketu, the North and South Nodes of the Moon. Rahu indicates your material destiny and karma, while Ketu indicates enlightenment. The Sun, Mars, Saturn, Rahu and Ketu are malefic planets." _Malefic? _She would send one of the servants to look I up in the dictionary later.

"We're fortunate that you're _so_ knowledgeable," Temari said, beginning to feel less suspicious. Ino nodded her head. After that, the two of them waited patiently while Anko's helpers brought out charts and books.

Referencing a _panchang_… a Hindu calendar… the jounin began talking about Moon Signs, Vedic Houses, and the various gemstones and metals associated with the Planets. Trying to think of some mischievous plan, she mused over the various writing, rubbing her chin and nodding her head. Finally, she was ready for her pronouncement.

"There's no doubt whatsoever," Anko said. "The Nakshatra is _Pushya, _which means Nourishing. That implies a good time for music, dance, and cooking, as well as traveling and improving health. There is also some connection to butterflies. We are dealing with the Fifth House, Putra_ Bhava, _the House of Children. This speaks to romance, games, business, children, and fans." That last word sounded a bit staged. Anko had needed to slip it in somewhere. But, thankfully, neither girl so much a sneered or batted an eyelash. "The planet is Saturn. The precious stone is Blue Sapphire… the semi-precious gem is Amethyst… and the metal is Iron." She then opened a large book and began reading. It had nothing to do with astrology. It was a romance novel. She was taking personal time while making the two girls wait.

Ino and Temari sat, hands folded in their laps. After finishing a particularly steamy chapter, Anko decided it was time to finish the game. "I'm sorry this has taken so long. I wanted to be certain I was not getting a vague reading." She closed the large book with a loud 'thwap'. "There's no mistaking what it all points too. But, I'm afraid it's inappropriate. It would be a problem for anyone who is too self-conscious." She shrugged. "Maybe we should try a different method… you could come back another day… or you might turn your affection on another boy."

"I'm not too self conscious," Ino said. "Although _someone_ might be…" She looked at Temari.

"As the shinobi of the Leaf are well aware, my courage cannot be questioned." She looked at Ino. "Others have not had the opportunity to show similar proof. You know… maybe it was fate… my rescuing Shikamaru from Tayuya." She smiled. "As a jounin, I cannot afford to be self-conscious. But, _you_ know that Lady Anko." Her tongue tripped over the word 'Lady.' Anko definitely did not fit the part.

"I've shown my bravery often enough," Ino countered. "I will do whatever the signs call for. If someone backs down or gives up, it won't be me. I _promise."_

"I swear too," Temari said, too busy keeping pace with Ino to consider whether or not she was being rash. "My word of honor."

"So be it," Anko said, hiding a grin behind a paper fan she unfolded. She was very glad that she didn't believe in karma and things like that. "It will be a competition. One that involves cooking. I believe the reference to iron involves cooking as well. But, the fan and iron do not go together. In this case, the fan goes with the dancing." She thought about one of the more popular television programs. She also remembered something she had seen in some of the clubs in the seedier parts of town."

"Cooking is good," Ino said. She enjoyed fixing the family meals when time allowed. Temari looked like someone who might have trouble boiling water.

"And dancing," Temari said. There was no doubt in her mind that she had more grace and stamina than Ino.

"_Hmmmm-mmm-mm-m_… right… that ought to do it… Iron Chef Shinobi." Anko couldn't stand that show. She usually watched the Murder and Assassination channel, if she watched TV at all. "The secret ingredient will be…" She threw the chicken bones again. "…Snake." Given her feelings for her old teacher Orochimaru, that choice seemed fitting.

"What?" Ino stuck out her tongue.

"Snake?" Temari frowned. She had caught and cooked sand snakes and other reptiles during her genin days; but, they were hardly anything she would want to serve Shikamaru.

"I'm certain that an accomplished cook can make _anything_ taste like filet," Anko said. It didn't really matter. The judge that she had in mind would probably eat anything he could wrap his teeth and gums around. "I'm certain that the Academy cooks will let you use their kitchen as the 'Kitchen Stadium'. "You will be allowed to select your own ingredients ahead of time. Then, when we have the audience in place, you will each have one hour to cook a multi-course meal around the theme ingredient. Some part of that ingredient must be present in each dish. You'll want to create your dishes in a way that will best express the unique qualities of snake." She held back a laugh. The look on their faces was priceless. "Unlike in the show, you will _not_ have any assistants. Your work will be judged on taste, presentation, and originality. The one who scores best will have the romantic advantage in days to come."

"Th-… Th-… That doesn't sound so bad." Ino tried to smile.

"I have no problem with that," Temari said nonchalantly. To her, Ino looked like a 'Princess'. For all she knew, she might never have even picked up a snake.

"Good," Anko said. "That's the hard part. The fan dancing will be easy in comparison."

"Fan dancing?" Ino looked at Temari's oversized tessen. "That gives her an advantage!"

"No it doesn't," Temari said. "Tessen made for war are not used in that kind of ceremony. Small decorated paper fans are." She was thinking of the Eastern dance of that name. A dance of that type is indeed performed with one or more fans, and is a beautiful art form. "It is an example of high culture in a number of countries."

"That's right," Anko said. "But, we are not talking about _that_ kind of fan dance." Instead, she was referring to the Western variety, an erotic dance performed almost exclusively by women. "You can be nude, if you choose…" She almost snorted the sip of tea she took through her nose. "Or, barely dressed to present the illusion of being naked." She grinned, seeing Ino fall off of her chair. "You will dance, while moving two large fans constructed from ostrich feathers. The essence of your choreography should be sexual suggestion. You will limit the parts of the body actually shown to the audience, while focusing attention on the illusion of exposure." She looked over at her servants. "Of course, the whole idea behind that kind of dance is the aesthetic appreciation of grace and beauty, not to mention simple astonishment at the virtuosity of the illusionary spell."

"Yes, Lady Anko." The servants all answered in the affirmative, even though the men knew that Western fan dancing was mainly a source of erotic stimulation.

"I… that…" Ino swallowed hard. She pictured Shikamaru's face. If this is what it took to finally get through to him, she would do her best to win. Besides, she had given her word. "I'm certain Shikamru will judge me favorably. Both as a cook _and _a dancer."

"The same goes for me," Temari said. She wasn't ashamed of her body the way that some Leaf girls seemed to be. But, just the same, she was not an exhibitionist. "I am certain that his judgment will come in my favor."

"It very well might," Anko said. "After the initial judging is done." Now, the final punch line. "You will both have a chance to show off your grace and beauty while the judge ordained by the stars samples the various dishes."

"What do you mean, 'initial judging'?" Ino frowned.

"Is someone _else_ going to be judging our cooking, and our dancing?" Temari scowled. "Someone other than Shikamaru?"

"Yes," Anko said. "The reference to butterflies is quite clear." She paused. "He will have to be cautioned strongly against bias, however."

"Who?" Ino closed her eyes, expecting the worst. She thought she knew who Anko meant.

"Akimichi Choji," Anko said.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The beaded divider still swung back and forth in rhythmic fashion.

Anko's twelfth visitor of the day had just pushed his way through the fancy curtain, satisfied with his reading.

"I just don't get it," the disconsolate jounin said to no one in particular. "I could have told him that monkeys were going to fly out of his ass, and he would _still_ have been ecstatic." She was learning more about human nature than ever before. It was amazing and frightening at the same time.

The long list of patrons should have dwindled faster and faster. Lady Pythia's customers should have run for the hills, leaving their families and treasured possessions behind them. Instead, no matter what she might dream up, they kept coming back in droves.

"I believe you are even more popular than the Madame was," one servant said, correctly guessing Anko's displeasure.

"It would make more sense if I _was _a madame!" Anko's reference to prostitution did not bother the servant, despite her sad past. The well-mannered assistant had been forced to work in a run down bordello before staggering into Madame Pythia's shop years ago. As a result, this place was still like heaven to her. To her, none of this was not about tricking people. It was about spreading hope and happiness.

"They like you," another servant said, scratching his bald head. He had been a maimed soldier, a deserter sought by his commanders. Madame Pythia had changed his life as well.

"I don't _want_ them to like me!" Anko sighed. She was getting the itch again. When was Tsunade going to put her on the duty roster? Her bloodlust grew daily. After hearing so many insipid stories, and having bamboozled countless gullible fools, she felt the need to _kill_ something. Instead, she would have to satisfy herself with chaos and tomfoolery. "Shit!" She threw a handful of olive pits at the nearest gilded trash can, missing with all but one. If there had been a patron in the room, she could have charged him for reading that one lucky seed. Idiots!

"Lady Anko… do you have time for one more?" A young woman peeked her head through the curtain, that separated the house from the back veranda. "_Three, _actually." That helper had been a young vagrant contemplating suicide, before finding this job.

Anko let her breath out in a long hiss. She was exhausted. Who would have guessed that her big act would be this tiring? "I'm spent. Can't they come back first thing tomorrow?" She wanted to hit the training grounds and practice a number of jutsus, fearing she might be growing a bit rusty. At this rate, she'd grow soft. No one would pick her as Morino Ibiki's successor when he stepped down from his position, or found himself on the wrong end of an enemy's poisoned dart.

"They're children, Ma'am." The servant gave Anko her 'pleading' look, knowing that it annoyed the strange young woman no end. It usually brought the necessary results, despite the jounin's contrary nature. "They skipped training today, just to wait in line. It must be something important."

"Really?" Anko slumped I her chair and began chewing on another olive. "It would serve them right if they get to the door just as we close shop. Heh heh heh. Bunch of truants." Truth be told, she felt a kinship with anyone who broke the rules. She'd see the genin, but not before ignoring the servant's request for a bit. That too was part of the game. "Do we have a blackboard? I could have them write 'I will not skip class' a hundred times while I do my thing." Yes. She could have them do that while they dodged kunai and sickles! It would be a good learning experience. "Never mind. I want to get out of this place before dark. Send them in."

At least this should be somewhat different. She had suffered through countless questions about love and marriage, not to mention the usual garbage about picking entries for the horse race; naming pets or children; choosing the best day to plant crops or set traps for small game; and things of that ilk. Those never brought her any joy. But, things like that business with Ino and Temari continued to make up for the boring stuff.

The girls had gone through with the cook-off and fan dancing. It had been quite a spectacle. The cooking battle had kept the girls busy, but that was nothing all that memorable, except for the anacondas that Anko had received from one exotic pet merchant as payment, after reading bumps on his head through the ancient art of phrenology. It had taken a bit of work to kill and cook the serpents. It had taken even more effort for the Akimichi boy to eat both snakes. Somehow, he managed, and still had room for smaller fare.

It had been the fan dancing that made the contest really special. Boys of all ages would have something to fantasize about for months to come. Unfortunately, for a rather sizeable fee, the news media had 'accidentally' found out about things. That was Anko's story and she was sticking to it. The royalties from the calendars she planned to have made would be donated to charity. Jiraiya had purchased the best shots for a princely sum.

Unfortunately, not everyone was quite so ecstatic. The incident caused a small diplomatic blemish on the otherwise pristine alliance between Leaf and Sand; but, that kind of thing needed to be tested now and again, so that nobody took things for granted. Gaara, the Kazekage, had been very upset. But, Kankourou laughed himself silly, and went on to build a rather risqué puppet that earned him a score of bruises from his sister.

Choji somehow managed to survive the event, despite losing a great deal of nasal blood. Being diplomatic, he had named Ino the best cook… Temari the best dancer… and proclaimed things to be a draw overall. That earned him a kiss from both girls. To the portly ninja, Anko was now a goddess.

Shikamaru was none too fond of the jounin, however. When Temari and Ino cornered him afterwards, their faces still bright red with embarrassment, they asked him what he thought. His reply of 'That brings new meaning to bothersome' left him running for his life. He seriously considered the merits of becoming a missing nin.

Naruto, being who he was, had felt compelled to contribute to the debacle in his own way. After the girls were finished with their dancing, he had performed the _Sexy No Jutsu_, and asked the rabid gathering who they liked best. His scantily clad girl won hands down. That did not sit well with the two competitors, after they had come close to baring it all for the sake of love. It _did_ win him a chaste kiss from Sakura, however. She still loved to see Ino put in her place now and again, even though the two of them had long since become close again, after their fighting over Sasuke had stopped.

The one true casualty had been Ebisu. The special jounin had ended up hospitalized for a week after the fan dance. Naruto's final _Sexy No Jutsu Harem Style _had pushed him over the edge.

"Here they are, Lady Anko." Another servant shepherded three youths into an equal number of carved wooden chairs. "They paid in coin, Ramen, and First Edition comic books." By another coincidence, it was the trio of genin from the team led by Ebisu.

"I'm Moegi," a girl said, goggles resting on her forehead, and long orange hair done up in horn-like pigtails. She held a flower in one hand. "The girl with the mature figure that drives men wild."

"And… ummm… I'm Udon." The boy with the runny nose had on similar goggles. He had a round almost sullen face, and wore a pair of huge round-lens eyeglasses. Sniffling loudly, he hunched his shoulders and looked around the fancy chamber uneasily. "I like numbers and things."

"You should know _me," _the final genin said. "_Everyone _should know me." Konhamaru hooked his thumbs under his arm pits, giving Anko a conceited smile. "I'm the grandson of Sandaime Hokage. And, the future Sixth." He made a face. **"It won't be Naruto!" **He frowned when Moegi sighed at the sound of that name. "I'm also leader of the Konohamaru Corps."

"Ah crap," Anko said under her breath. She hated dealing with kids. And, she couldn't possible get into too much mischief with kids. Wait? Who _said_ she couldn't? Afterall, who made the rules here! "Welcome," she said in a louder voice. "Who _hasn't_ heard of the Konohamaru Corps?" She somehow managed to keep from snickering. "What brings you to see Lady Anko, wisest of the wise?" She could lay things on pretty thick, too. But, somehow that kind of thing still made her want to retch.

"We want to be the best," Konohamaru said, his eyes intense. "Ebisu sensei says it's a matter of time; but, we don't want to wait!" He folded his arms over his chest and gave Anko a challenging glare. Big mistake.

"Yes… well… ummm…" Udon wiped his nose on his sleeves. "What _he_ said." He sneezed, splattering the costly Nepalese rug at his feet with snot.

"I want to be good enough for Naruto to notice me," Moegi said, standing up and doing a slow turn. "I won't keep my girlish figure forever." She struck a pose she had seen in one of those sailor girl types of anime. That had Anko hanging her head for a moment.

"That shouldn't be so hard," Anko said evenly, her skin crawling. Could she actually be _allergic_ to cretins like this? Ugh! "I'm certain I can find some kind of quest that will give you a chance to show everyone how good you are. After that, you will probably get special training." That had Konohamaru smiling, Moegi clapping her hands, and Udon snuffling again.

Not wanting to hang around much longer. Anko needed to pick a method that was quick and easy. She settled on called Klexographie, a parlor game that had inspired Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach to develop his famous inkblot test. Ink was spilled on the paper by the one wanting the reading. After folding the paper and creating the blot, the picture could be passed around for everyone to tell a story based on what they saw.

"You will need to look at this through your Inner Eye," Anko said in a stuffy manner. "You can do that, _can't_ you?" Konohamaru and the others naturally rushed to say they could. "Very good. I knew that ninjas like you could unlock the wisdom of their Inner Voice." She should write this stuff down. It scared her, the way she was becoming good at thinking up drivel like that. "The primal part of you will know the answer, even if your conscious mind does not." That had them all looking rapt, including the self-titled leader of the group. "Don't analyze what you see. There is no right or wrong answer. Trust your first response." Just like the reading of tea leaves, coffee grounds, fireplace ashes, candle wax, and the like, this kind of thing could be touted as having oracular powers.

In no time, the three blots were made. Konohamaru had earned a smack in the nose from Moegi, after dipping one of her pigtails in his inkwell. Udon spilled the remainder of his ink on his lap. Anko clenched her teeth, and then forced a munificent smile. By force of will, she kept her hand out of her weapon's bag. She smiled, picturing the three as Orochimaru's apprentices. "OK. Pass them around. Everyone tell me what you see."

Udon saw bugs in everything. Bugs, bats, and the shapes that he usually saw after sneezing into a tissue. Moegi kept chattering on about womanly attributes, and how the feathered edges of the ink spots reminded her of lace. For Konohamaru, the answers all had to deal with action, stealth, jutsus, and missions.

"Right. The answer is obvious." Anko grinned. It certainly was. More havoc and mayhem! "You need a mission. I have one for you." That had Konohamaru sitting up straight, an eager look on his face. "It will be dangerous… require perfect teamwork… and need the utmost skill in infiltration techniques." She had him hooked. "And, it must have something to do with mature female figures, of course." That had Moegi beaming. "Bugs, too." She worked seals quickly, creating a barrier that blocked Udon's next nasal explosion.

"What can have danger… girl stuff… _and_ bugs?" Konohamaru looked dubious. "I can't figure it out."

"That's why I'm the mystic, and you're not." Anko waved her hand in a dismissive fashion. "If you don't want to hear what I have to say, I'm sure you can find someone else… or work out your own plan…" That had them all begging her to help them. They would do whatever she told them to do.

The challenge was simple. The three of them would need to stage a raid on the Girl's Dormitory, swiping every undergarment they could find. After that, they would need to select the frilliest and most colorful. That was the easy part. The next day, when the chuunin and jounin were called together to discuss the crime, the bras and panties would have to be discovered in the deep pockets of Aburame Shino's voluminous robes.

As the youngsters left in a hurry, scheming and laughing as they went, Anko let out a long sigh and clapped her hands. "That's it folks!" She couldn't get out of her ridiculous garments fast enough. **"**Another wonderful and marvelous day." Her obvious sarcasm couldn't sour the moods of the people who worked hard to assist her. "Food. Shower. Sleep. Not necessarily in that order!" She grinned, thinking about that last reading. If the kids got caught, it would serve them right. If Shino was fingered, it would be even better. He had crossed her during a joint mission… him, and that imperious manner of his. Too bad for him. It would be even better if she could get vengeance on the Inuzuka boy too; but, she didn't need to be greedy.

Leaving the servants to lock up the joint, Anko stepped out into the cool evening. She took a deep breath of air, reveling in the scent of the village. She usually wasn't one for simple pleasures; but, after being cooped up in that grand but stuffy little house, she had a sudden affinity for nature. That, a steaming cup of tea, some squid on a stick, and an imported film on advanced torture techniques.

"Anko… I'm glad I caught you…" Someone came running up. She had rather noticeable pink hair. It was Haruno Sakura.

"Sorry, Sakura." Anko kept walking, forcing the other kunoichi to walk faster. "Shop's closed for the night. The only thing I can predict now is death and destruction for anyone who asks me another question."

"I don't want an answer," Sakura said in a rush. "At least not tonight. I'm between shifts at the Medical Center. I want to set up an appointment."

Anko closed her eyes and counted to ten. She let out a long breath. "Fine."


	2. Chapter 2

_Thunk._

A knife flew true, sticking in the impromptu target just left of the bulls-eye.

_Thunk thunk._

Two more followed, the third brushing against the first. There were now six throwing knives protruding from an old manikin once used for one mystical art or the other. The heart inked on the chest served as a perfect aiming point.

"I guess we have to put him away again," Anko said with a sigh, looking up at the clock. It was time for another day of drudgery to begin. She had been very tempted, thinking to name the dummy 'Tsunade' at first. The townspeople were supposed to turn away from this place, looking for other sites of hope and guidance. But, the more flamboyant she made her answers, the happier everyone seemed.

"Him?" One of the servants stared at Anko, almost as if she were reading the disgruntled jounin's mind. "You won't be wanting the blonde wig I found in the cellar?"

"No," Anko said after a few moments of debate. "Not just yet." There had to be some way to get out of this situation, without doing something so rash that she ended up an S-class criminal or ship hand on some freighter to nowhere. "Which outfit will it be today?" She sighed. The servants took to dressing her up in any number of outlandish outfits. That alone was reason to maim someone.

"Gold sequined robe," a different servant answered, walking in with a hanger holding that garish piece of clothing. "Cat's eye turban." She hid a smile, knowing how much 'Lady Anko' hated that one. "Mystic prism necklace."

"You'll look _magnificent_, Ma'am," one young woman said, keeping a straight face. She exchanged glances with the other assistants. "Your first visitor is here." She held out a tray. "I have your tea. Would you like a scone? Miso soup? Porridge?"

"No… no… and no…" Anko said. She eschewed thanks. The fact that she didn't growl should be appreciation enough. "Pink haired girl? Somewhat chesty? Vapid pleasant look on her face?"

"Yes," the servant replied, taking back the empty tray. "Should I send her in, or put more salts on the coals?"

"We have enough ambience, thank you." Anko's voice practically dripped with venom. She was developing allergies. The stupid smoke left her skin feeling dry. Her lungs were probably pickled by now. "I don't know how you guys stand that crap."

_Thunk._

Anko grinned, seeing the one servant jump. She had placed another knife in the dummy as the elderly man was removing it to the back storage area. It was good to keep everyone on their toes.

When Sakura was led into the parlor area, she looked around the room critically, before meeting Anko's gaze. This was her first visit to this kind of establishment. She felt kind of foolish being there. She also had her worries about Anko, remembering how the older woman had treated Naruto outside of the Forest of Death.

"Feeling somewhat foolish?" Anko made a steeple out of her hands, reading the younger girl's face and posture. "Have your doubts?" Training with Tsunade, Sakura ought to have more sense than most of the kunoichi who made their way to the shop. Something must be heavy on her mind. "Some big question weighing on your mind… but, the answers you get don't help?" She narrowed her eyes. "Or, you've been afraid to admit things to anyone… yourself included…"

"I… it…" Sakura nodded her head. "Yes." At the moment, she felt somewhat useless again. It was like being a new genin again, having the top grades in the group, but showing less progress than Naruto in the field. He and Sasuke had done everything, while she just stood by like window dressing. And, when she needed to keep her teammate from leaving, she failed.

"It's not about the Uchiha traitor." Anko grinned when she saw Sakura's angry response. Having been an apprentice to the darkest member of the Legendary Sannin, and having been tossed aside, she harbored a great resentment towards the scaly bastard, and anyone who willingly sought him out. "You haven't fallen for the famous Hatake Kakashi, or for the handsome ANBU codenamed Yamato." She paused, suppressing a cough. Someone had thrown water on the coals to increase the smoke temporarily. Whoever had done that would pay! "You're confused by your feelings… an early attraction for someone _else_ close to you…"

"Yes." Sakura's voice was barely audible. She remembered Yamato telling her at the Bridge of Heaven and Earth that she might be developing feelings for Naruto. The jounin had not merely meant maternal feelings, or a growing bond of friendship. How had Anko known that? Did she truly have the gift after all? Could so many level-headed people be wrong in their admiration of her? "I don't know… I don't know what to do…"

"_Ahhhh-hhh-hh-h_… another heart in turmoil…" Anko almost put her finger in her throat and gagged. This kind of thing was getting so repetitive. What she wouldn't give, to have someone come in and ask how to kill off a rival or make an unfaithful spouse disappear. Surely, there _had_ to be someone out there who secretly wished to know secret methods of strangling, stabbing, or bludgeoning. Maybe even poisoning! "Your head doesn't know what your heart feels. You're frightened. You're confused. Would growing closer ruin a friendship? Might your choice have others laughing at you? Are you in danger of rejection?" Pitiful. A shinobi had no time for that dreck. The girl was medical ninja, for crying out loud!

"…" Sakura opened her mouth, but couldn't speak. She nodded her head. Her heart was racing, and she felt like she wanted to run from the room. That wasn't like her.

"It's a touchy situation," Anko said. "Oh… by the way… speaking of touchy situations… how is the new orderly working out?" She grinned. "You think you know someone…"

"Him." Sakura balled up her fists. Shino might be a friend; but, his uncharacteristic raid on the Girl's Dorm had been inexcusable for someone his age. He was supposed to set a good example for the genin and academy students! And, wearing that cowled robe in the hospital was just plain creepy. "He does nothing but complain, when we can get him to speak at all. He keeps using bugs to clean out the bed pans, and that had one patient try to jump out of a third story window. Whenever he comes to wheel someone down to a procedure room, or outside for a breath of fresh air, that stupid outfit of his has them thinking Death is coming for them."

"Tragic," Anko said, hiding a big smile behind her paper fan. "To think someone like him would turn out to be a closet pervert. Amazing." Perfect! That evened the score and then some. "And, with his honor at stake, he lied. Trying to finger three innocent children…"

"I know," Sakura said, scowling. "He swore that he was innocent. He even said the bugs could easily point out the real culprits. He might have swayed Tsunade, if he hadn't chosen Konohamaru and his friends. How could _anyone_ believe such a ridiculous accusation?"

"What are these times coming to," Anko said with an overly dramatic sigh. "But… speaking of perverts… do you think you might be able to put your hopes in someone who spent so much time alone with the Frog Hermit? Kakashi is no choir boy either, even though he might keep things under wraps around you."

"Naruto isn't…" Sakura's loud denial died on her tongue. She remembered what had happened, when Naruto returned to the village. He had asked if she wanted to see his new perverted jutsu. As if he needed another one! Oooo-ooo-oo-oh.

"It doesn't mean he isn't worthy of respect." Anko rubbed her hands together under the table. This ought to confuse her all the more. "I mean, everyone loved Sarutobi, and he was the biggest pervert of them all. He taught Jiraiya, who then went on to tell everything he knew to another treasured hero, Yondaime. The Fourth passed it on to Kakashi, keeping the chain of depravity intact." She grinned. "Remember how Naruto defeated Kiba, in the chuunin exams? I know he says it was an accident; but, I think he was very clever, using every weapon at his disposal."

"Yes… but…" Sakura swallowed hard, asking a face. "He hasn't ever done anything like that again. He's gotten a lot better, lately."

"I'm sure," Anko said, winking. "I can imagine the breakfast table, in the future Uzumaki family house. The surname 'Uzumaki' is a pun on 'spiral,' and can mean whirlpool, right? But, it can also mean maelstrom. That's not so bad, though. In some cultures, breaking wind at a meal signifies satisfaction and honor to the host."

"I don't think…" Sakura brought a hand to her mouth, picturing just such a future. She also imagined Naruto passing gas when he was officially introduced to her family, or during the matrimonial ceremonies. "He would never…"

"Cooking would be easy, though." Anko prepared to twist the figurative knife. "Noodles for breakfast. Noodles for lunch. Noodles for dinner." She smiled and licked her lips. "Noodles for a romantic snack." She drummed her fingers on the tabletop, the noise growing louder and louder. "Ramen… Soba… Udon… great names for kids, too."

"I wouldn't…" Sakura's head felt like it was spinning. She held her breath, trying to settle herself down. "Noodles aren't the only thing that…" She was interrupted.

"Yes, the joys of wedded bliss." Anko nodded her head. "Imagine it. Blonde-haired blue-eyed babies in orange and black blankets… sleeping in orange and black cradles… living in an orange and black house." She shivered, picturing just such an existence herself. "And childbirth would always be a surprise! Would the baby have a long snout? Sharp pointy teeth? A cute bushy tail?" She smiled, watching Sakura's face when she made the connection to Kyuubi.

"The fox demon wouldn't have any effect like that!" Sakura sounded like she was trying to convince herself. "Naruto isn't a fox… he's just the one who keeps the Nine Tails sealed away."

"You might be right," Anko said. "Those other stories about Jinchuuriki might be exaggerations." She paused long enough to let that sink in. But, she moved on before the other ninja could ask for particulars. "But that's neither here nor there. You came here today to determine whether or not your feelings for him might hold promise for romance."

Sakura nodded again. All of her doubts about Anko had vanished, replaced with doubts about Naruto and herself. No. She had to have faith. Naruto was a really great guy, _wasn't _he? He might get into trouble… and rush into things… but no one could ever question his heart. That was all that really mattered… right?

"Well then, let's get down to business. Here, drink this cup of tea as quickly as you can, leaving the leaves in the bottom." She slid a cup of tea towards Sakura. It had been sitting on the table since yesterday, after she decided she didn't want any afternoon tea. After Sakura had done as she was told, Anko acted as if she were determining what the shape of the residue meant. "Mah Jongg." She rang a bell, calling one of the servants. She sent the woman to get the set of ivory tiles. She hadn't tried that one yet. Maybe something different would break up the monotony.

When the felt-lined ebony box sat on the table, Anko opened it and removed the tiles, each with its own unique symbolism and interpretation. "You, the Querent, have to sit directly across from me," she told Sakura. "You Take the chair in the East position, and I'll take the West." Explaining her actions, she spread all of the tiles across the table, face down, before shuffling them around. "Alright. Choose thirteen tiles, and then shuffle them again. Place them as shown on this diagram."

The center of the arrangement held the number 13 tile. Above that, to the West, the numbers 7, 8, and 9 were placed in a short row. Similarly, the numbers 1, 2, and three were lined up in similar fashion below the center tile. To the left, North, the number 10, 11, and 12 tiles were lined up. The number 4, 5, and 6 tiles were placed to the right of the center tile.

"The center tile relates to your main question," Anko told Sakura, while secretly referring to her notes again. "The East tiles refer to the present situation… the South tiles to the immediate or near future… the West tiles to the obstacles that might be in your way… and the North tiles to the more distant future." She squinted, having a hard time making out Madame Pythia's handwriting at the bottom of one page. "If you have drawn a Flower or Season tile, you can draw an extra tile and place it next to that tile."

"This is all so confusing," Sakura said, raising an eyebrow. She began to feel a bit wary again.

"Tell me about it," Anko said with a long sigh. "I spent years coming to visit Madame Pythia, without anyone ever knowing it, so I could learn as much as I could. She told me it would help me a great deal some day, to know something other than sneaking around and killing people." She looked sad for a moment. "It broke her heart when I stopped coming to see her… because of Orochimaru." She was a very accomplished liar.

"Oh…" Sakura felt a sudden upwelling of emotions. A feeling of deepest sympathy coursed through her, as she tried to imagine what the other ninja must have gone through. Her troubles were nothing compared to that.

"Let's check your center tile." She flipped it over. "4 Circles. Jade. _Hmmm-mm-m_… that signifies: 'Hard work brings results. Concentrate on lasting values and building and maintaining long friendships. Justice is done'. That might indeed mean that you will have a very special relationship with Naruto." She tapped on one of the South tiles. "Next." Flipping it over, she revealed it to be a Season card, Autumn. " Physical and arduous labor are necessary for success. However, hard labor brings many rewards."

Sakura nodded her head. She didn't mind working hard. Her training with Tsunade had gone very well.

Anko continued turning over tiles. There was a green dragon, interpreted as: 'You can proceed, start or begin now. Go ahead and don't delay'. "This tile represents an arrow about to be shot from the bow"

Tile after tile were examined, with some of the true supposed meanings described. For others, Anko substituted words of her own, as her plan took form in her mind. "One last tile. After that, I can put it all together." It was 5 Wan. House. "_Hmmm-mmm-mm-m_… so _that's_ what has to be done…" She ran tried to make the goofy looking turban sit more comfortably on her head. "Household issues. Hard work around the home. Dedication to duties around the house."

"Huh?" Sakura sat on the edge of her seat, eyes going wide. "It's not like I'm part of Nartuo's household." She wrinkled her nose. "You're not saying I should be his maid, _are_ you?"

"No. Of course not." Anko smiled a Cheshire Cat smile. "Nothing of the sort. That word is so demeaning." She waited a moment, seeing Sakura relax some. "I think housekeeper is a better word."

"**_WHAT?" _**Sakura stood up. Color came to her face. Her eyes flashed.

"Naruto appreciates hard work. He probably would like some attention, too. A girl who made him feel like a king might be able to win his heart." Anko tried to sound stern and direct. The scheme was in danger of getting shot down at the start. Ahhh. That angle might work. Yes. "Of course, he might _also_ appreciate something like Temari and Ino tried for Shikamaru." She watched the other girl blink rapidly. "You might be the one better suited for that. I think the Hyuuga girl is more the domestic type."

"Hinata?" Sakura stiffened. She was all too aware of the other girl's long time crush on Naruto. But, she had never judged Hinata to be one to make a move of any sort.

"Exactly. She is quiet and very patient. Someone like that wouldn't shy away from hard work, if it's what would make Naruto happy." Anko rubbed her chin. "We can disregard what the divination showed, if you like. No charge. Maybe you should try your womanly charms on the boy, instead. A quick roll in the hay is a great way to get a guy's attention."

"That… I…" Sakura's complexion soon matched the color of her hair. "I wouldn't even _think_ about… you know… even if I was sure we were right for each other." She looked at the servants out of the corner of her eyes, feeling very uneasy with them listening in. "What exactly did the tiles suggest I have to do?"

"Cook his food. Rub his tired feet. Things like that." Anko replied. "You'll never really know if you're meant for each other, until you've cleaned the stiff and smelly laundry that's been crammed under his bed for a month or two." This was great. While Sakura was not nearly as stuck up as some girls her age, it wouldn't hurt her to work on her humility some. "Things like that have broken lesser women."

"But…" Sakura twitched. Naruto's hygiene wasn't terrible, as boys went. Just the same, she felt the hair on her neck stand on end.

"Scrubbing his back at the bath would be a good touch, too," Anko proclaimed. "Oh... yes… you might also think about performing the tea ceremony." She had to be careful not to lay things on too thick. "Wait… let me think…" She threw a pair of opalescent dice, watching the light reflect off of them as they rolled. "Perfect. Follow the etiquette and ceremony of the chadō, complete with kimono, calligraphy, flower arranging, ceramics, incense, and any other disciplines and traditional arts that you like. Subsitute Ramen for tea."

"Wh-… Wh-… What?" Sakura stared at Anko, a look of disbelief on her face. "All that… for noodles…"

"You're right." Anko said, a grim look on her face. "How could I have made a mistake like that?" She slapped her hand down hard on the table. "He would probably prefer you to serve him Instant Noodles, dressed in a bikini top and bottom."

"Never mind me…" Sakura waved her hands in front of her. "You're probably right… that's why everyone comes to see you…" After that, she quickly left the shop, wanting to find a kimono shop before she had to report for her next shift.

"I'm getting pretty good at this," Anko said facetiously, looking at the servants. "Another problem solved!" Her evil laughter had the servants sighing.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

A few flies still buzzed about the place.

Most of the servants found some reason to work outside in the gardens, or had taken a personal day off.

That morning, Anko was very grateful for the scented fumes wafting about the shop. They did a pretty good job of hiding the smell.

"Are you sure they couldn't put in a new floor today?" The jounin made a face, looking over to where a large rug had been dragged over a misshapen stain on the polished wooden planks.

She kept a dab of aromatic gums on the sleeve of her mystic robes, the ones decorated with hundreds of ankhs sewn from small pearls. When the need arose, she could take a deep breath and rid her nasal passages of smells that seemed to linger from the day before.

"I promised them a free divination, Ma'am. But, it seems their work schedule was full up until tomorrow afternoon." The one assistant shrugged. "I put in calls to every craftsman in the guild book, without any luck."

"**Shit!" **Anko frowned. That was a bad choice of words. "I will have that Inuzuka boy's balls on a hook." It hadn't really been Kiba's fault. Akamaru had come in on his own accord.

The huge dog had surprised everyone, and caused quite a stir, when he walked in for his own 'visit.' The servants had tried to shoo him away, certain that he had wandered in by mistake, smelling some of the exotic foods frying in the kitchen. But, Akamaru was smarter than he looked, despite being a dog. He had heard Kiba talk about the prophetess, and how she supposedly told people how to get what they wanted.

"You should have told him something," another servant said, a cloth held over his nose. "Anything." He shuddered. He had been the one to discover the unwanted surprise. "Anything at all…"

"Like hell," Anko countered. She was fed up with all this. It had been bad enough catering to so many deluded idiots. But, she would be damned before dancing attendance on an overgrown mutt! "How was I supposed to know that he'd take things so hard."

Akamaru had walked in, dropping a huge bone at Anko's feet. No doubt that had been his idea of payment. After that, he barked loudly enough to cause everyone in the house to jump. Reaching down and tugging a torn and tattered magazine out of his collar, he had tossed that at her feet as well. It had been a copy of _Big Dog Breeders Quarterly. _There was a well-groomed bitch on the cover.

"You help everyone else in matters of the heart," a third servant added. "Well… at least you _act_ like you do…"

"**I don't run a dating service for dogs!" **Anko's voice could have caused the temperature in the room to drop a few degrees. "Fake or not, I have to draw a line _somewhere." _She had her pride. At least, she once did, before dressing up in things that would have caused her to wet her pants from laughter a few months back.

Rebuffed, Akamaru had left the shop growling. But, not before he made his opinion known in the best way he could think of. The steaming pile of fecal matter he left in the middle of the foyer suggested that an elephant had paid a visit, not a dog.

"At least you probably won't have to face anything worse than _that." _The youngest servant brought out a fresh tablecloth and set about changing the cut flower arrangements.

"Am I too early?" The voice was male, mid to late teens. "Was I supposed to wait outside?" A head poked through the curtains. It was Rock Lee.

"You were saying?" Anko made a wry face, looking over at the girl with the flowers. She then looked over at Lee and said: "Since you're part of the way in, you might as well come all of the way in." She should have guessed this would happen. The boy's reputation for being gung ho was legendary. She blamed Gai for that. She sighed, looking at the green stretchy suit.

"I didn't want to be late. I promised myself that I would do one thousand leg kicks if I kept you waiting." Lee looked very sincere. He also looked very uncomfortable. It must be difficult for him to come here like this.

"I see," Anko said. "I'm actually surprised that you made an appointment. The way that things went for you sensei, I would have thought he would have counseled you to stay away."

"No, Ma'am!" Lee struck a pose automatically. That had the jounin closing her eyes and cursing. "Quite the opposite!" His eyes seemed to burn with a strange inner fire.

"How so?" Anko took a garrote out of her sleeve and began wrapping it around her finger. She had developed all sorts of habits, trying to pass the time here.

"**_AHHH-HH-H_**…" Lee seemed to glow with pride. "Gai-sensai was magnificent… keeping the blazing beacon of his honor burning… despite the hardships that he faced." He put one foot up on a chair, a faraway look in those flame-filled eyes. "Dressed only in his pride, he did what no one else had the courage to do. And, after that, his good deed was repaid."

"Repaid?" Anko frowned. What was the boy talking about. Had he performed Lotus one time too many? Were his brains as scrambled as Gai's?

"Yes, Lady Anko." Lee pulled up a chair and sat down, his zeal beginning to cool down. "He rushed into competition after competition, challenging Kakashi at every possible moment. He hasn't lost a contest since that day. I'm quite sure that his testimonial on your behalf will have many knew customers visiting your shop."

Anko froze. It seemed like time slowed down. Lee's words seemed slow and drawn out, so much so that she could almost picture the words as they passed in front of her. As good as that first trick had been, it had backfired terribly. Damn!

"The same is true for Ino and Temari," Lee continued. "I heard that Shikamaru had sworn to pay more attention to both of them." He scratched his head, wide unblinking eyes looking perplexed. "But… he did not seem too happy about it…" He shrugged. He should be so lucky! "They were very angry at first. But, that was because it took them a while to see the beauty in your plan."

The jounin rubbed her temples with firm round cyclical movements. She felt a migraine coming on. This couldn't be happening. It was all just too ridiculous for words. No doubt Ino and Temari had been telling everyone how wise lady Anko was.

"The boy… Konohamaru… he seemed in very good spirits too." Lee nodded his head. "He and his friend with the glasses. For some reason, they were the envy of the other boys at the training fields. Perhaps they had done very well in their jutsus." He looked Anko in the eyes. "Your name came up often there."

"**DAMN**… **IT**… **TO**… **HELL**…" Anko kicked one leg of the table too hard. It snapped off, causing the large heavy table to crash to the floor.

"Is there something wrong?" Lee asked. He couldn't imagine why the woman would have acted like that without any warning.

"No… I…" Anko tried to calm herself down. Now was not the time to worry about her past failures. The opportunity for trouble was ripe, seeing who she was dealing with. She could use Lee to reinforce one of her ploys from earlier in the week. "I was placing a curse on a trespassing spirit…" She closed her eyes. That sounded really lame. But, the boy would probably believe it. "It's gone now…" She brushed off her sleeves, watching as the servants ran off to fetch another table. "Not too many Yūrei can stand against Lady Anko." She pretended to preen. "It was a rather insistent Yōkai, though. Muttering something about a pink-haired girl in trouble." She had little doubt what had brought the boy to her shop.

"Trouble?" Lee leaped up, standing on his chair. "_What_ pink-haired girl!" Could it be Sakura. Might this be the very opportunity he needed?

"_Hmmmm-mmm-mm-m_… it didn't say…" Anko answered. "I doubt there can be too many pink haired girls." She ran her hand over a large clear crystal ball that came attached to the spare table. Pretending to study it, she said: "Sakura? She's the girl in trouble? And, the reason you came?"

"**_OHHH-HH-H_**…" Lee placed his hands on his hips and threw out his chest. "I have to leave!" He looked ready to run through a wall or two. "We should go to her rescue."

"There wasn't a sense of immediate danger," Anko said. Flicking a switch under the table, she caused the ball to fog up when Lee peered into it. "There is no sense rushing into a situation, without knowing what you might be facing." She shook her head. The boy was too much like Gai for his own good. What a shame.

"Yes. You're right. I will trust you." Lee unbuckled his leg weights, just in case he needed to move fast at a moment's notice. "How will we find the answers that we need?"

"Ladies." Anko clapped her hands, calling for the two servants hovering near the rear door of the parlor. "Sikidy. Quickly." She frowned. The boy's eyebrows looked even bushier up close, and doubly so when he was worried.

"Sikidy." Lee's eyes began smoldering again, even though he had no idea what that name entailed. "Sakura." He struck another pose, seated this time. "So…"

"Geeee-eee-ee-ez…" Anko slapped her forehead, before she realized what she had done. Lee didn't notice. He was too deep within a heroic daydream.

For the Malagasy people of Madagascar, sikidy was by far the most important method of divination. A form of geomancy, it relies on the interpretation of sixteen signs, using great writings known as _sorabe. _Written in Arabic script, such texts have been passed down over many generations. Figures are then set up by the diviner, who is also called _Ampisikidy_.

"There are two methods," Anko said, when the servants placed the necessary items on the table. "The first has to do with the interpretation of even and odd piles of grain. Four piles have grains removed until only one or two remain. The second approach involves the drawing of wavy lines in the sand. The curves are counted, with odd numbers counting as two, and even numbers counting as one."

She went on to show how single and double dots were then arranged by fours. The resultant figures had four parts: the _head_, or top line… _chest_, or second line… the _hips_, or third line… and the _foot, _or bottom line. The four lines can be arranged into sixteen possible figures, each having an interpretation in the sorabe.

"An additional eighteen symbols can be read from a formal sikidy chart, by performing further matrix transposes, and by reading diagonals and broken diagonals." Anko had no idea what all that meant. "That will be too complex for today. We have a girl to save!"

Lee looked totally entranced. He stared at Anko's hands as she worked, as if he witnessed the very miracle of creation.

"**ALATSIMAY!" **Anko's shout broke Lee's concentration. The grains were arranged like the pips on the 'five' of a standard dice, except that there were two vertically arranged dots in the center instead of one single dot. "This figure signifies slaves, bad thoughts, weights and measures, and also serves as protection from thieves and enemies."

"Slaves?" Lee's face darkened. He clenched his fists. "Bad thoughts."

"**ADALO!" **The jounin called out again. This time, the grains looked just like the pips on the 'five', but with one grain situated above and between the top two. "Tears."

"Tears." Lee's eyes welled with water. He swore a quick oath, promising to rescue Sakura.

"**KARIJA!" **Anko left three grains situated vertically, above a pair of horizontally arranged grains. "Slaves again. Cold words."

"How could this happen!" Lee could barely sit still. His breath was coming fast and ragged.

"**ALAHASADY!" **The false mystic shouted. A vertical pair of grains rested above two pairs of the same. "Also known as Soralahy or Sorotany. It stands for Domination. Also, food and anger." So far, she had followed the things written on her cheat sheet.

"I cannot take much more." Lee spoke in a quiet emotional voice.

"**ALOHOMORA!" **Anko had placed the grains in another shape like a 'five,' but this time with a vertical pair taking the place of each corner dot. "Heartbreak. Favorable to thieves."

"What has the enemy stolen?" Lee went stiff. What did evil men want from pure and chaste girls in the traditional stories? No! Not Sakura! "Heartbreak… " Someone would pay. Oh yes. Someone would pay dearly.

"**TARAIKY!" **The jounin had the grains arranged in a vertical column of four. Now, it was time to make up her own meanings. "Cleanliness. Forced labor. Brutality."

"What does it all mean?" Lee knocked over his chair. "Who has done this? Where _is_ he?" He clenched his teeth when she told him to be patient. The answer would soon reveal itself.

"**ASOMBOLA!" **Anko smiled. This ought to do it. She placed the grains in two vertical rows of four. She had just the right interpretation. "A fox in hiding. Boundless energy. It has also been associated with the color orange."

"…" Lee was standing on one foot, the other, and then the other.

"Let's see. Orange. Energy. A hidden fox. Cleaning. Cooking. Forced labor. Domination. Heartbreak. Slavery" Anko leaned back in her chair, eyes closed, muttering to herself. After thirty seconds or so, her eyes popped open and she snapped her fingers. "Naruto." She nodded her head. "If I am correct, he will have some kind of hold on Sakura, forcing her to do his cleaning… cooking…" She paused, and then put on a false mask of disgust and indignity. "Who knows what else…"

Lee disappeared in a flash. That left Anko chuckling wickedly. No good could come out of this situation!

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The bell on the front door rang so quickly, it threatened to fall off.

Someone must have pulled pretty hard on the door handle, to set things ringing like that.

Anko expected an angry visitor based on that, and she was right. It wasn't someone she ever expected to visit the shop for any kind of divination mumbo jumbo.

"**Anko!" **That rather perturbed voice belonged to no one other than Yuhi Kurenai. Her red eyes were rather intense, as she marched over to the other woman. "I have a couple of bones to pick with you."

"OK." Anko sneered. She wasn't in any kind of mood to deal with Kurenai before she had breakfast and a couple of knife tosses. "Knock yourself out." She reached into a bag and dropped some chicken bones into Kurenai's hand.

"Very funny," Kurenai remarked, a look of disapproval marring her beautiful face. "I'm surprised you don't have chicken skulls and strangled birds decorating the place, knowing your personality." She frowned, catching the servants passing money amongst themselves. They were betting whether or not things might come to blows.

"I'm shocked to see you wearing such frumpy clothing," Anko countered. "I mean, you are still trying to hold Asuma's attention, _aren't_ you?" She grinned an evil grin. "He usually hangs out with the wild girls down the lane." She chuckled. "What brings you to see lady Anko? A love potion? A hair conditioner to take care of those split ends?" She produced a knife out from under a tasseled pillow. "Want a few more ends split?" She proceeded to peel an apple, letting the peel fall at Kurenai's feet.

"Tsunade told me about your little set-up here." Kurenai eyed the servants. A few of them were wise enough to disappear from view. "What's more, a certain genin made the mistake of bragging a little too loudly." She stood toe to toe with the shorter woman. "I don't appreciate what you did to Shino."

"Shino?" Anko tried to look innocent. The big smile gave her away. "Me?" She shrugged. "I never laid a hand on him. I haven't even caught sight of him for days."

"Your little game hear won't last forever," Kurenai claimed. "When you're through, you may find that you have a stack of unpaid bills. So, I would walk a bit more warily if I were you."

""If you were me?" Anko tensed up. "You couldn't _handle_ being me." Now was not the time to think or speak about her past. "And don't think that I'm afraid of Tsunade. I'm here because of her. Her and that bitch Pythia. I didn't ask for any of this crap." She waved her arm towards the ornate furnishings and fancy artwork.

"What's done is done," Kurenai stated. "In some ways, the experience may have shaken Shino out of his recent haze." She twirled some of her hair around one finger, and then stopped. Her face grew harsh. "I suspect that Hinata will be coming here, even though I counseled her against it. I hope you act a bit more discrete with her." She stared at Anko for a moment. "Tsunade is one thing. Hyuuga Hiashi is another. It would not be wise to do something that would reflect poorly on the honor of a clan leader." Especially not _that _clan.

"I'm not stupid," Anko said. 'I'm also not afraid,' she thought. "Besides, you've taught the girl well, _haven't_ you. She would never do any of the things that you might be worried about. Right?" The two women stood with their eyes locked for close to a minute.

"I've said what I've come to say," Kurenai said, turning to leave. Stopping with one hand on the bead curtain, she continued. "Just remember, what goes around comes around." With that, she disappeared from view.

"What goes around comes around." Anko imitated the other jounin's voice, and then made an obscene gesture. "You just earned little Miss Goodie Two Shoes some special treatment." What could the Hyuuga's do to her? They couldn't do anything to her that Orochimaru hadn't already done. Orochimaru, and her own conscience.

Sure enough, late afternoon found a shy girl with white eyes and medium-length hair standing in front of her table. It was Hinata. As one might expect, she looked rather uneasy being there.

"_Ummm_…" Hinata rubbed her fingers together, and then stopped. She had been trying to break that habit.

"Uzumaki Naruto," Anko said, cutting to the chase. That was the easiest guess of them all. It was one of her favorite jokes, the fact that the girl was so besotted with the boy who was Yondaime's legacy, but he was the only one blind to that fact.

"_Ummm_… yes, Ma'am…" Hinata tried to stand taller. She promised herself she wouldn't faint. She didn't usually have that problem, unless Naruto accidentally brought his lips close to hers.

"You have a massive crush on him, but have never found the courage to tell him." Anko hid a frown. She could not identify with girls like that.

"_Ummm_… no, Ma'am…" Hinata looked down at her sandaled feet. She felt her face grow warm.

"Now… seeing how Sakura has been treating him lately… you're afraid that you'll never be able to tell him." Anko tapped her finger nails against the table top. "You worry that he might fall in love with Sakura instead of you."

"_Ummm_…" Hinata nodded her head. She felt as if the entire world was crushing in on her.

"Is 'Ummm' your favorite word," Anko put in quickly.

"_Ummm_…" Hinata flinched. That was so embarrassing! She was so glad that Naruto wasn't here seeing this. "Not any more." She would have to pay attention to that.

"Good. What guy is going to want a girl who sounds like a chanting monk?" Anko leaned back in her chair, working on her perfidious plan. "What boy like Naruto is going to want a shy retiring flower? He probably wonders why you faint around him all the time." She yawned, and pushed her chair backwards. She was tired of putting on a show of good manners with visitors. Kurenai had helped shake her of that uncharacteristic habit. "He probably likes a girl who can dish it out as well as she can take it. Someone who says what's on her mind. Someone like the Haruno girl."

"Yes," Hinata said sadly. "He had a crush on her before; but, she didn't want anything to do with him." She bit her lip. "Now… things might change…" She held her chin up. She would not look down at the floor again. "Especially since Sasuke hasn't returned…"

"Is that what you came to ask me? To look into the future? To tell you that Sakura will win, so you can quit?" Anko's voice had a touch of contempt about it. "It would give you another reason to run and hide."

"No, Ma'am." Hinata hesitated. She had actually practiced what she was going to say, so she wouldn't clam up. She froze just the same. But, with maximum effort, she was able to continue. "I came for your help."

"I see." Anko reached under the table and picked up her weapons bag. She threw it on the table. "You have money? You want me to assassinate Haruno Sakura?"

"**No!" **Hinata blurted out that word, her eyes going very wide.

"Want me to take down that cheating lout, Naruto?" That statement wasn't accurate, naturally. But, it added to the dramatic tension.

"Never." Hinata shook her head.

"_Hmmm-mm-m_… are you here for lessons… so you can do it yourself?" The jounin laced her fingers together and crackled her knuckles. "Do you need to do it in such a way that you won't be caught?"

"No, Ma'am." Hinata gathered up all of her courage. It was now or never. If she could stand up to Neji, she could do this. "I came looking for answers. I want to know… I want to know if…" She took a deep breath. "I want to know if there is a way that I can win Naruto's heart."

"You came to the right place," Anko said. "No one else would have the nerve… or the guts… to tell it to you straight." She narrowed her eyes. "You're not here to waste my time, _are_ you? This isn't some way to sooth your pride, so you can tell yourself that you didn't go down without a fight, _is_ it?" She placed both hands on the table and leaned forward. "Are you willing to do _whatever_ the mysteries tell you to do?"

"I…" Hinata fought to keep her eyes on Anko's. "Yes…"

"Do you promise? Word of honor?" The ersatz seeress slapped her hand hard on the table, causing Hinata to flinch. She grinned , showing her teeth. "Willing to sign a blood pact?" She took her knife and ran the blade diagonally across her own palm. When the blood welled up, she licked it.

Hinata took a step back. But, something inside of her kept her from running. This might be her last chance. She faced more danger on any given mission. There was nothing here to fear. Well, not _too_ much. Closing her yes, she held out her hand and nodded her head. She bit her lip when Anko cut her hand, too.

"**Clasp hands!" **Anko held out her bleeding hand, crimson drops falling on the costly linen tablecloth. She grabbed Hinata's hand in hers, letting their blood mingle. "Well, I didn't know you had it in you. _That_ ought to do. No need to write up some contract in our own blood."

Hinata actually felt braver. She surprised herself that way. Looking down at her blood-smeared hand, she said: "I'm ready, Lady Anko."

"Great." Anko smiled. She was feeling pretty good, too. Blood did that for her. The events had given her idea for the next technique. Grasping a hand of finch feathers, she let them fall to the table, pretending to examine the way they lay. "Palmistry." She whistled loud and long. "I need the hand diagrams and charts." Looking down at the papers she held on her lap, she began to read without being obvious about it.

She told Hinata that palmistry probably dated back to prehistoric times, and that the art had been practiced by the Romans, Indians Arabs, Hebrews, Malays, and Egyptians.

_Cheiromancy_ is based on a fortune-telling approach and refers to the lines on the palm of the hand. _Cheirognomy_… hand analysis… concentrates on discerning the strengths and weaknesses of the personality from the shape of the hand. _Dermatoglyphics_ involves reading finger prints and skin ridge patterns.

"Here," Anko said, taking a large inked representation of a hand from one of the servants. "I'll show you the major lines on a hand." She pointed to the Life Line; Head Line; Heart Line; Sun Line; Fate Line; Health Line; Via Lascivia; Girdle of Venus; Family Ring; Line of Intuition; Marriage Line; and Second Life Line.

The palm reading began, using Hinata's uninjured hand. Anko spoke assorted gibberish, selecting Hindu answers, using Western terminology, and diagramming it all on a Chinese chart. As one might expect, her visitor never caught on.

"This mark here is known as the Tree," the jounin said, running a finger along Hinata's palm. "Its branches shoot upward. That's a sign of success." She narrowed her eyes. "This is the Serpent." She pointed to another crease in the skin. No matter what she did, she could never get away from snakes. "That means you have an opponent. But, you already _knew_ that." After discussing other signs she pretended to find, she switched to reading the various lines. "Ohhh… well… the look of your Sun line suggests some kind of scandal. And… your Girdle of Venus… that suggests some kind of manipulation…"

Hinata sat quietly, the pain in her bleeding hand forgotten. Not usually one for anything daring or different, she was mesmerized by the older woman's words, getting lost in daydreams now and again. This would work. It had to. There was so much depending on it. She wondered what Anko would tell her to do.

"Your Union line… it's somewhat equivocal…" Anko put down Hinata's hand for a moment, and then looked her in the eyes. "It's a good thing that you promised to trust the reading. There is no doubt that you will fail, should you disregard the things I tell you." She smiled. Never one for fishing, she was certain that she had just set the hook. She looked down at the hand again, and tapped it. "_Hmmm-mm-m_… as one might expect, your Life line joins up with your Head line. That is the sign of a timid and cautious person. But, your Heart line starts right under the mount of Saturn. That means you will encounter only one true and devastating love in your life. You can't afford to be timid today."

"I'll do my best, Ma'am." Hinata said. She felt a bit guilty being here, since Kurenai had told her not to come. Her sensei was closer to her in some ways than her father and sister were. But, if this worked, she would have no regrets.

"**Aha! **This might be your salvation." Anko began reeling in her catch, getting ready to take it into the net. "Your head line is surprisingly strong. That means you will succeed, when you take risks. The bigger the risk, the greater chance that you will get what you want." That was pure prevarication. It felt great.

After the reading ended, the lights were brought up again, and the candles extinguished, the two kunoichi accepted pieces of cut fruit from the servants. Hinata sucked too hard on a lemon slice, causing her face to pucker up. Anko almost choked on the bits of chewed apple she had swallowed, seeing that look. It wasn't a good idea to laugh in the middle of sucking in fruit pulp and juices.

"Do… do you have an answer for me?" Hinata tried a kumquat this time.

"Yes," Anko said. She began ticking things off on her fingers. "Scandal. Manipulation. Risk. One true love." She bit into an orange slice. "We have some work to do."

"Work?" Hinata licked her fingers daintily, and then blushed when she realized what she had done.

Anko rang a small silver bell. When the servants came to see what she wanted, she stood and began taking off her flamboyant garb. "Let the patrons know that something has come up. I will not be able to see anyone for the rest of the day. Offer them my apologies if you think that's necessary." The tone of her voice clearly showed that she was in no way sorry for the change in plans.

"Lady Anko?" One servant wondered just what the jounin was up to this time.

"There's shopping to be done," Anko replied


	3. Chapter 3

The strange progression wended its way between busy pedestrians.

Anko led the way, walking with a sprightly step, mischief on her mind. Behind her, Hinata struggled to keep up without running, wondering where the jounin was taking her.

Not about to be left behind, the servants followed at a distance, trying unsuccessfully to stay out of sight. They had learned to think the way that Anko did, much to their dismay. Wagers had been placed. What shop would they visit first?

As it turned out, the first stop belonged to a hair stylist in one of the village's tougher neighborhoods. The clientele was eclectic, to say the least. "What do you want?" The speaker was the head hair cutter, an emaciated tattooed woman done up Goth style.

"Sexy," Anko answered, eliciting a small squeak from Hinata. "Think wild… rebellious… " The jounin licked her lips. "Predatory."

With each snip of her hair, Hinata began wondering if she had made a mistake. Predatory? Wild? Her? But, she had to see this through. She came close to fainting when the cutter asked if she would be looking for guys or gals. "He's a g-… g-… guy…"

Next, Anko brought the flummoxed girl to a place to get her nails worked on. Dagger like false nails were glued on, and shaped just right. A thick, dark red polish was applied. While that dried, Hinata was hustled next door to a cosmetician's shop. That make-over took a good while, and was more startling than everything that came before it.

"Is th-… th-… that me?" Hinata looked like a rodent caught in the gaze of a cobra, staring at the hand held mirror. The face that looked back at her would have been at home on the cover of a glamour magazine, or a high-priced courtesan.

"Big risks," Anko said smoothly. "Big rewards." She grinned. This was so much fun. Who _else_ could pull off something like this? "You're doing great." She frowned, needing to push back a gaggle of spectators. 'Lady Anko' had groupies. Revolting!

Finished with the cosmetician, the two shopped for just the right perfume, sniffing more than one hundred imported scents. There was a huge stack of soaked cotton balls and sprayed paper cards spread over the shops of the counter. Not content with that, Anko dragged the other girl off to have her teeth polished and her legs shaved.

"That was the easy part," Anko said, stopping at a food vendor to get some octopus balls. She wouldn't let Hinata eat anything, wanting her teeth and nails to stay perfect. Relenting, she let the exhausted girl sip some fruit juice through a long straw.

"Wh-… Wh-… What's next?" Hinata said that with a feeling of reticence. As it was, she felt as if she had been put through a physical and emotion wringer, even though nothing had been all that demanding. If that had been the easy part, what would the _hard_ part be?

"The most important part," Anko replied, popping the last piece of takoyaki in her mouth and licking her fingers. "Clothes make the woman." Her eyes sparked with wicked glee.

Hinata felt a growing sense of dread. She looked over at the older ninja, taking close note of her clothing. It was practical, if a bit radical. She could deal with something of that sort, if necessary. She was certain of that.

The nightmare was just beginning. The poor girl would only have the slightest memory of the whirlwind tour of clothing shops and dressing rooms. She blushed, simply glancing at the manikins in the windows. Every time she walked by a reflective surface, she was too afraid to look.

"Done," Anko finally said. "Perfect." She gave Hinata a 'V' sign. "We couldn't possibly have done any better." She almost broke out laughing, seeing the other girl's expression when she saw her image in a large shop-front window. Hinata almost passed out, when the male patron's inside the restaurant took out money and began waving it in her direction. "All we need to do now is work on your walk. We can probably nail that down before reaching the hospital." They did just that, leaving a wake of dropped jaws and stammering mouths behind them.

"H-… H-… Hospital?" Hinata swallowed hard. She might need a trip there herself, if her heart didn't slow down. Against all of her better judgment, she was wearing stiletto heels. That wasn't all. She was also decked out in black fishnet stockings; large garters; tight-fitting black leather shorts; and a frilly black lace top that showed much more than it should. Along with her make-up, and the jewelry Anko had picked out, that made her a sight to see.

"Yes," Anko said, licking her lips. "Naruto was admitted last night. He could probably use some cheering up. You can be his Angel of Mercy." She couldn't help but smile. She was the master of disaster. "He got into a fight with Lee." She paused. "Over Sakura…"

"Oh." Hinata brought a hand to her mouth. She hadn't heard the news yet.

"They both have huge black eyes," Anko continued. "Neither one can see too well. There was also serious internal injury." She sighed in exaggerated fashion. "All for the love of a woman." She pointed her finger at Hinata. "You certainly have your work cut out for you. Good luck!" She gave the girl a forceful shove in the back, after pointing her towards the hospital.

Somehow, the truth had slipped her mind again. Lee had indeed confronted Naruto, after finding Sakura at his dormitory room, down on her knees scrubbing the floor. She also had the cooking in progress, and had left stacks of folded laundry on the counters and tables. Heated words flew, but Naruto's good natured attitude soon diffused matters. Things would have been fine, if he hadn't made the mistake of telling one joke too many, calling Sakura his 'maid,' and saying 'I have to get her one of those servant's hats'. Lee had made the mistake of smiling at that comment, picturing Sakura dressed in a maid's outfit. It had been a flurry of punches from Sakura that caused all the subsequent damage.

Hinata walked down the street, feeling as if the whole world was staring at her. Anko waited for a few moments, and then moved to follow stealthily. There was no way that she was going to miss what happened. The servants from the divination shop brought up the rear again, joined by a growing number of passersby, not to mention patrons and personnel from the shops the kunoichi had visited.

To say Hinata caused a bit of a stir would be the understatement of the millennium. Everyone she passed had a rather dramatic reaction. Sakura had been leaving the hospital, after apologizing to Naruto and Lee. She took a nasty tumble down the stairs, immediately loosing track of where her feet were. Tsunade dropped a large stack of loose reports. The wind took them, and blew them in sweeping circles around the street. Shizune began fighting for breath, after swallowing her chewing gum the wrong way. A village elder, just given a clean bill of health, clutched at his chest, prompting the nearest medical professionals to hurry him back inside the building.

"No… not them…" Hinata tried to run on her high heels, seeing her teammates.

"Oh _snap!"_ That was Shino. An exclamation like that, coming from him, was just as noteworthy as a solar eclipse of the annular type. The latter took place every two centuries or so.

"Spank me!" Kiba rubbed his eyes in disbelief. That couldn't be Hinata.

"**_AROOOOO-OOOO-OOO-OO-O_**…" Akamaru's howl had everyone looking in that direction.

"Oh… my… dear… _god_…" Kurenai had caught up with her team members. She almost wished that she had been late. "I'll kill Anko…" She should never have allowed Hinata a day off. No, she should have locked her up and thrown away the key!

Hinata's trail of destruction continued. A window washer fell two stories, saved by the grace of his belt and a flag pole. Choji, coming from visiting Lee, bit hard into his hand, completely missing the sandwich that his friend had been too sore to eat. The men pushing gurneys through the hospital halls became distracted. One of their patients went rolling down a long series of steps. Another wheeled contrivance destroyed the Candy Striper's cart. A third smashed through a plate glass window and came to a stop in the Serenity Garden. Jiraiya was in such a rush to pull out his telescope, that he accidentally clubbed an octogenarian with it, causing the woman and her walker to tip over.

"Th-… Th-… That…" Ten Ten froze, after she stepped out of an elevator.

"C-… C-… Can't …" Gai ran into Ten Ten, catching sight of Hinata.

"Be…" Neji went as pale as a sheet. A genius, he couldn't quite comprehend just what he was seeing. He immediately used his Blood Limit skills, trying to determine whether or not she was an impostor.

Anko drank it all in, crouching behind a supply wagon. Like the cook-off and fan dance, this event would be talked about for years on end. It almost ranked up there with the Demon Fox's rampage, and the assault on the village by the Sand and Sound. She smiled. If Gaara had been here, he probably would have popped his gourd by now.

With every step she took, Hinata felt as if she were shrinking. Her heart seemed to be creeping up further and further into her throat, and she felt her temperature rise so quickly, that she expected to burst into flames. Every ten yards or so, she stopped, debating with herself. But, looking down at her bandaged hand, she knew that she had made a pledge. Anko, no doubt, was quite capable of killing her, if she broke that kind of oath.

"I have to put a stop to this!" Kurenai tried to bull her way through the ever increasing throng. Tsunade put a hand on her shoulder, holding her back.

"Let's see how this plays out," the Hokage said, eyeing Anko as the troublesome jounin snuck around a corner. "Most of the damage is already done." Calling out orders, she had the security guards begin leading people back to where they belonged.

When Hinata hesitated at the threshold of Naruto's room, Anko fought the growing urge to take a mop out of a nearby bucket, and to use it to push the other girl into the room. When the Hyuuga girl finally worked up the courage to enter, Anko followed, after performing a high level Genjutsu, making herself look like part of the door frame.

"N-… N-… N-aruto…" Hinata felt her head spinning. Naruto was sitting up in bed, a food tray in front of him. He was in the process of sucking down a large mass of noodles, his eyes glued to the TV set. He had a bandage on his forehead, and the skin around both of his eyes was dark purple and blue. A couple of I.V. lines were draped over the guard-rails.

Naruto looked over at Hinata. His mouth fell open. The remaining noodles slid down inside his hospital gown. Someone like him was almost never at a loss for words. Almost.

"Ummm…" Hinata clenched her fists. There couldn't be any more 'Ummm.' She pushed onward. "Hi…" She reached out to steady herself. "I… well… I came by to cheer you up…" That wasn't the full truth. But, it was a start.

"…" Naruto still couldn't find his voice. But, 'up' was indeed an appropriate word. He quickly slid his tray down further, wanting to hide an area of tenting that appeared underneath his bed sheets. He wondered if Old lady Tsunade had written an order for some kind of pain killer. Maybe he was hallucinating, or dreaming. "Pinch me!" He finally got his tongue to work.

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata blushed, seeing the look on his face.

"Pinch me," Naruto repeated. He stared unabashed, looking Hinata up and down, still not convinced that she was really there. How could she be, looking like _that? _"Hinata never looked _this_ hot!" He could say whatever he wanted to, I a dream. "I wouldn't kick someone like this out of bed for eating crackers!" He was a big talker in his dreams, or when he was talking with the other guys.

"H-… H-… Hot?" Hinata began wobbling precariously. Another statement like the last one, and she would collapse there and then. Despite that, a small seed of satisfaction took root deep inside her.

Eyes zeroing in on the plunging neckline of Hinata's blouse, Naruto jerked like one of Kankourou's puppets. He certainly had a very detailed imagination! "Owww-ww-w… shit!" His jerking motion had tugged on his lines. That, in turned, had two long I.V. poles tipping over. One clubbed him on the head, leaving him seeing stars. "Wait… this actually hurts…" He rubbed his head. Then, his eyes bulged. This… was… not… a… fantasy.

"**Naruto-kun!" **Hinata rushed to help Naruto, picking up the pole. When she bent over him, her lips came very close to his. That caused another one of her involuntary bouts of syncope. Blacking out, she fell across him.

"I think I just forgot my name," Naruto said, feeling her weight on him, and getting a sudden whiff of her perfume. Looking down at her shapely rump, he closed his eyes tight. Maybe this was a detailed fantasy after all. Hyuuga Hinata didn't have an ass like that, _did _she? When she moaned, in the process of coming to, he trembled. Now was definitely _not _the time for one of his wet dreams.

Hinata woke up, and immediately moved away from the bed. Anko couldn't wait to see what happened next. She jumped when a hand came down on her shoulder. Some one had caught her off guard, and had seen through her illusion.

"Why don't we give them some privacy," Tsunade said. Kurenai stood by her side, tapping her foot. The look she gave the other jounin was triumphant. "Come with me to my office. We have something to discuss."

Kurenai stayed behind, acting as a chaperon of sorts, even though she had a pretty good idea what kind of person Naruto was. It didn't pay to take chances, however, seeing that he had trained with one of the most notorious perverts in that part of the world.

"I should have sold tickets to that," Anko said snidely as they walked. "There would have been even _more_ money for crop relief and the mentally handicapped."

"Well, I for one am very happy that you make yourself out to be such a great humanitarian." Tsunade motioned for Anko to take a seat, once they were inside her suite of rooms. She smiled, knowing something that the other woman didn't. "Your current mission is now at an end."

"Let me guess," Anko said, falling into her chair unceremoniously. "You're very angry, after everything that happened. You disapprove of the way I've behaved. There's a good chance that the Hyuugas will make some kind of official complaint. You have stacks of angry protest letters to read through."

"Things aren't nearly as bleak as you might think," the Hokage replied. "At least, not for Konoha and our fellow villagers." She took a sip from a glass of water . "I know you did your best to try and shake things up. You may have gone a bit overboard." That was putting things mildly. She still had to handle the ruckus over a man told to marry his prized sheep… a woman who was informed that she was the reincarnation of the First Hokage, and felt _she_ should be the one wearing the Tri-corner hat… and a bunch of children who were convinced that if they ate enough ginger root, they would turn into birds. Those were nothing compared to Hinata's rather dramatic visit. "But, most of the results actually turned out positively."

"I know," Anko said, making a face. "Don't remind me."

"I'm afraid I have to." Tsunade grinned, knowing that she couldn't officially reprimand the special jounin, since she had ordered the girl to assume Madame Pythia's mantle. But, there were obvious boundaries, and Anko had overstepped every one within view. "Sometimes, results speak much louder than intent." She unrolled a map scroll. "You caught someone's eye."

"What do you mean?" Anko had a wary look in her eyes, like an animal sniffing the air for danger. "_Whose_ eye?"

"As you know, we've had a number of foreign dignitaries visiting over the past few weeks." The Hokage suddenly scowled. While some of the visitors had found humor in Gai's version of Lady Godiva, others were rather upset. That had hardly been good advertising, when clan leaders and Kages were trying to decide which village to hire ninjas from.

"And?" Anko had a bad feeling about this.

"Here." Tsunade pointed to a mark on the map. "_Tsuchi no Kuni_, the Country of Earth." She took a magnifying glass out of her drawer. "If you squint, you might be able to see the small symbol for the village of Fa-chikyuu. Near the far northern border of that nation."

"Why should I want to?" Anko tried to read Tsunade's face without success.

"We really don't know much about the Country of Earth, except that they have more than their far share of mountains, caves, and barren land. It wouldn't hurt to find out whatever we can." The Hokage stretched, fighting a yawn. "The mayor of that small village accompanied the Tsuchikage on his visit, and was very interested about 'Lady Anko.' He happens to be that Kage's brother-in-law."

"So?" Anko had a sense of foreboding. She hoped that she was going to need a heavy winter coat. This wasn't about that geisha business, was it? Tsunade had threatened her with that mission, but only if she refused to take Pythia's place.

"The weather in that part of the world has been very poor. Crops have grown more poorly than ever before. Many of the young herd animals have been born small and sickly." Tsunade put her magnifying glass away. "The suicide rate has climbed rapidly. The people no longer send their taxes to Iwagakure no Sato. The youths recruited to become ninjas have shown a terrible lack of spirit and national pride."

"It's a bad place to put a village," Anko said, a little too quickly. "The country probably had bigger and more productive towns."

"True," Tsunade said. "But, the Tsuchikage was born there. He holds it very dear in his heart, if only because most of his family still lives there." She handed Anko a letter of invitation, closed with a diplomatic seal.

"But…" Anko broke the seal and read the note. The mayor was asking to have Lady Anko spend some time in his village, training a number of women to do what she did. He had been very impressed by the joy and cheerful spirits brought about by the fortune teller's acts and proclamations. No doubt, anyone she trained could bring about an amazing transformation in Fa-chikyuu. "I'm not _really_…"

"That's alright," the Hokage said, hiding a grin by yawning again. "They don't expect you to be a miracle worker. You only have to show the women how to do the things you do." She had already sent word to have porters load up everything in the shop and ready it for a long journey over land.

"Madame Pythia…" Anko's throat was growing thick. The weight of reality was pressing hard on her now.

"Is retired," Tsunade said. "Unfortunately. The cold fresh air of the snow-capped mountains might have helped her aches and pains." She speared a piece of cheese off of a plate on her desk. Nibbling on it, she added: "This will serve everyone well. We get a new ally. The stricken village gets a new lease on life. And, the men and women of the Leaf will have plenty of time to accept the fact that while Mitarashi Anko might return home, Lady Anko will have hung up her turban and robes for good."

"When do I leave?" Anko sounded very sullen. She had known the bill would come due some day. This was much sooner than she had expected.

"Let's see." Tsunade opened her top drawer and reached inside. She held her hands out. "Should it be dice or runes?"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_END_


	4. Epilogue

Some things never seem to change.

The village of Konoha, and its general populace, was much the same as Anko remembered it. She hadn't been gone long enough to expect otherwise.

On the other hands, some things _do_ change. She certainly had. Her sojourn in the cold and icy steppes and plateaus of the Earth Country had brought her new skills, new friends, and a fresh look on life.

She didn't remember ever signing up for a fresh look on life. That wasn't her way. It had been fresh enough, simply getting out from under Orochimaru's influence. It had been much _too_ fresh, hefting a full pack on her shoulders and marching up into foreign mountain country,

"Someone will pay." Anko frowned, surveying the Hidden Leaf Village. "Mark my words." Her attitudes certainly hadn't gone through any significant overhaul. She had been the good soldier, serving a role as Madame Pythia's successor. She had done her part, as the Leaf's ambassador and 'mystic teacher.' What nonsense! It hadn't even been rewarding, pulling the wool over the eyes of the Fa-chikyuu villagers. Sure, there had been a noteworthy increase in good will and productivity thanks to her efforts. But, she wasn't into that kind of thing.

The only saving grace would be the whole 'Lady Anko' schtick. By now, that annoying chapter of her life should have run its course. At least, it _better_ have! If people started lining up to ask her advice again, she couldn't be held responsible if she pummeled them to within an inch of their gullible and hopeless lives. The Hokage better back her up on that. Tsunade owed her!

"But…" She grinned an evil grin, thinking about something snuggly nestled in the bottom of her travel sack. "I can _still_ get some use out of my prior standing." Indeed. During the long trek back, she had run a number of ideas through her mind. For every breath she took in the icy chill air, someone would pay. For each step she took along desolate rock strewn paths, someone would suffer. For every bowl of beet soup and haunch of stringy mutton she been forced to eat, she would get satisfaction.

Mountain goats. Fat lazy cows. Abundance noisy pigs. Villagers who were not much brighter than the livestock, and smelled worse. Snowstorms. Sleetstorms. Dry beef. Greasy mutton. Bland rotten vegetables. Lumpy beds.

_So many pleasant memories. _

"Things will look up." Anko stopped to grin. Not because of the familiar surroundings. She wasn't big on nostalgia or homey feelings. No. Not only would her new toy provide her with some interesting opportunities, it might also bring her a fair amount of pocket change. While she hated fads, she knew a potential craze when she stumbled upon it. It would be wonderful, simply hooking the mindless fools in the community on something ridiculous and pathetic. Why should that give her pleasure? Running a hand through her hair, she told her conscious to crawl back inside the hole it had snuck out of. "I already have manufacturing rights back in Fa-chikyuu.

Stopping off at her apartment, before reporting in with the Hokage, the weary jounin took a shower, dressed in fresh clothing, and put away the items she had brought with her. Looking around her room, she frowned. Someone had been thoughtful enough to provide maid service. Fine. She had no problems with a clean room. But, if even a single item was missing or out of place, there would be hell to pay.

One particular item she had brought back with her and left out on her bed caught her attention. Towel wrapped around her moist hair, she ran her fingers over the nicely crafted wooden box. It had been a gift from one of her 'pupils,' the young women she had tutored in the art of false prophecy and chicanery. As it turned out, the region had its own tradition means of duping the unwise and unwary. Some of the adherents viewed it merely as a game, a harmless way to pass the time in the snow-bound latitudes. Most, however, saw it in an entirely different light.

"I still don't if it's wee-_juh_ or wee-_jee_." The jounin yawned. She was more tired than she realized. Maybe she should have accepted the village elder's offer of the old lame donkey. No. She would have died from embarrassment, seen riding anything like that decrepit old beast. And, it would have lengthened the journey by days. "It doesn't matter. I'll probably give it a fancy name, anyway." Maybe something like the ' Magic Medium', 'Mystic Gateway, ' or the 'Oracle Board.' In the Earth Country, the Ouija board was big. Very big. Many of the older settlers believed that the gifted amongst them could receive messages during a séance by the use of something the youths called the 'talking board' or 'spirit board.' The board, and a planchette. "Who thinks up these things?"

In any case, the Ouija board would come in very handy. With her goal in life being the assumption of the role of chief of the interrogation unit when Morino Ibiki's luck ran out, or when he retired, Anko saw no problem with her thirst for vengeance and comeuppances. As long as she used those tendencies for the good of the Leaf, people should be willing to overlook her bloodthirsty nature. Right? Besides, she wasn't planning on doing anything that would leave scars or something. At least, not physical ones. She had suffered much more than anyone else would. One day during her mission, she came very close to getting a frostbitten ass, just from sitting on a cold rock for longer than she should have. It would take trained torturers to get _that_ little story out of her!

Clean, dressed, and mentally prepared, the jounin turned 'sage' headed off to see the Hokage. She had some trinkets for Tsunade, tokens of thanks from the mayor of Fa-chikyuu. Naturally, she would pass those on to their intended owner. However, there was no need to burden Tsunade with knowledge of the 'talking board.' She chuckled, thinking of something. If she did have success with her evil schemes, the Hokage couldn't go public with her admonitions. How could Tsunade tell everyone that 'Lady Anko' was a fake now, without clueing them into the fact that she was a fake before… a fake sanctioned and created in part by the village's top ninja?

"_Hmmmm-mmm-mm-m_…" A choice idea sprung up in Anko's mind. While the Hokage was beholden to do whatever was best for the village, and her actions were never based on anything personal, the older woman might deserve a bit of a comeuppance herself. Was it wrong to think that way? Sure. So what? She would give Tsunade a chance to make amends, somehow. Naturally, since there was nothing the Hokage could do to get the smell of sheep out of her hair or take away the god-awful memory of yodels echoing through the deep corners of her mind, her subsequent actions would almost be justified. Almost.

The meeting with Tsunade went smoothly. The reports the Hokage had heard about Anko and her activities on behalf of the Leaf had all been good, with the exception of a few incidents that were kept hush hush. One man, drunk on some foul homebrew, had put his arm around the jounin's shoulder early in her stay. The best healers in that dreary little hamlet were sure he would be able to walk normally again, some day. Likewise, the sister of one of the clan elders would likely suffer no long lasting disfigurement, after the village's medical ninjas were able to remove the pair of scissors shoved up the unfortunate woman's nose. She never should have tried to give Anko the traditional haircut of the region.

"Nice job," Anko said to herself, echoing the words that Tsunade had given her, looking up bleary-eyed from a stack of reports. "It was a credit to the Leaf." That was all that had been said, aside from a few bland pleasantries and 'Take a few days to rest and catch up on local events. Your next assignment will be coming up soon.' Wonderful. Heart-warming. Of course, the jounin wouldn't have known what to do with a more effusive response. That didn't matter. Not one single bit. It was the principal of the matter! "Local events, indeed." She intended to _cause_ local events, not catch up on them.

Strolling through the heart of the business district, frowning because she should be above the feelings of nostalgia that tugged at her heartstrings, the dark-haired kunoichi stopped to stare up at the stone Hokage faces. Yes, she couldn't deny it. This place was her home, and her fellow ninjas were the closest thing she had to family. But, that wouldn't stop her. Even though she never really had a family life of her own, she had observed plenty of families. Siblings often squabbled. It was no big deal.

"Ah!" The sudden exclamation caused Anko to drop into a defensive stance. Old habits never faded. There was no danger. It was merely Maito Gai. Then again, that stupid green suit of his could be giving her irreparable eye damage, a brain tumor, or something else of that ilk. "You're back. L-…"

"If you say 'Lady,' I'll shorten you by three inches." Anko's kunai was in hand, and pointed straight at the other jounin's groin region. "It's Anko, again. Just Anko." She fought her rising temper. This wasn't the time to fly off the handle. No. This was actually an opportunity. Gai had a loud and quick mouth. He would be the perfect tool. "But… even though I have given up my exalted position…" She couldn't help but sneer, saying that. "I _did_ bring a new technique back with me."

"Really?" Gai's eyes went wide. He unknowingly struck one of his famous poses. "What is it?" He couldn't look more eager and enthusiastic.

"It's a secret." Anko grinned. That ought to get him where it hurts! Hah.

"What!" Gai slumped for a brief moment. "I won't tell anyone else…" His eyes had a pleading look about them.

"_Hmmm-mm-m_…" Anko made as if she were contemplating the matter. "Well… you know… you _should_ tell everyone else. Tell them that I have something special. They can all meet me in the first building on the cliff at sundown. Those that want to experience something truly remarkable, that is…" Yes. That ought to do it. Tsunade swore that she never let on about their earlier duplicity. So, her former customers might well be tempted to come see what she had brought back with her. "Now… if you will excuse me… I have to prepare myself…" She hid a grin after saying that. Fools. They would get what they deserved.

"Right!" Gai nodded his head, shaking his fist and posing again. "Your talents are a gift to this village. The shining glow of Destiny. The burning hearts of the shinobi. The future is bright." He ran off to tell anyone and everyone who was willing to listen.

"Shit." Anko scowled. "Some people…" She sighed, watching Gai speed off. It was somewhat disconcerting. People like that were so gullible. That wasn't comforting, even though it did play into her plans. The safety of the village rested in the hands of idiots. Sheesh. "I better get some props…" She would visit Madame Pythia's old house. The one she had made her shop. Even if the servants were no longer living there, there 'mystical' items might have been left behind.

Sure enough, even though the small building had been abandoned, it had not been occupied by new tenants. Everything was the way she had left it, for the most part. Looking down at the floor, she noted a number of polished slats that looked different than the others. They were relatively new, compared to the well worn wood surrounding them. That brought back images of Akamaru's visit. Frowning, she almost convinced herself that a slight foul odor still remained.

"Well… I won't have to do _that_ kind of thing again…" Anko rubbed her hands together. Even though 'Lady Anko' would officially be retired, there would be countless hangers-on who tried to pump her for information, or beg her to make an exception in their case. Her actions this night would go a long way reducing the chance of such annoying instances. "One last time…" She eyed a rack of exotic and flamboyant apparel. Should she dress up to play the part? Sure. Why not? Disrobing, she kicked her clothes aside, and then slid into her fancy raiment.

Suitably garbed, the jounin grabbed a large shoulder bag and began stuffing it with candles, incense, and other handy items. When her bag was full, she stopped to stare at a large throne-like chair she had used for certain grand deceptions. For a moment, she grinned wickedly, her teeth showing. Should she ask Gai to haul the heavy furniture up the steep path to the cliff? No. That would be great; but, this kind of performance would go best with everyone sitting on the floor, surrounding her and the Ouija board.

Making her way slowly and sedately towards the rendezvous point, Anko tried to ignore the villagers who stopped to gawk at her. Those were the wiser members of the Leaf, no doubt, the ones that had never tumbled to her routine before. But, mixed in with them, she caught sight of former customers. They all waved or shouted, and a fair number began trailing after her, wondering what might be going on. Damn. She had meant this for shinobi only. The sting wouldn't be so great, if it were kept between ninja. Ah well. The more the merrier. She wasn't growing soft, _was_ she?

"No… really… I can't accept…" Her conscience heckled her ever so slightly when a number of women ran from their cook stoves, offering her freshly baked bread and a steaming bowl of stew. A lot of people seemed to think highly of her, all because of that stupid act she had been forced to put on. Her anger flared momentarily, and soon crested. No one had cared about her before, when she faced death regularly as shinobi. That short burst of negativity helped her stay true to her plan. "But… thank you…" She almost hated them for being kind to her now. Maybe that was a lingering effect from her days spent with the Legendary Sannin.

The cluster of small huts and buildings that seemed to cling to the cliff face like warts were in need of cleaning. That was no surprise. As emergency shelters, they had no use during peaceful times, except for teenagers who snuck away to spend time alone. Younger children might risk punishment to visit the place as well, just to be able to brag to their meeker friends. Settling her hefty tote sack on an old supply crate, Anko noticed a small doll that had fallen behind the box. No doubt some little girl had lost it here, back when the Sand and Sound had assaulted the village.

"To work…" The kunoichi began setting up candles and braziers, unconcerned about the effects that poor ventilation might have. Every so often, she caught sign of one villager or another peering through one of the doors into the main room. She had to fight the urge to send shuriken in their direction. It was OK for shinobi to sneak around. Not civilians. For ninja, it was professional privilege. For the others, it was snooping. "O great spirits of the Underground, come to me and guard this place, aid me in performing this ritual uninterrupted." She laughed out loud, after hearing the sound of running footsteps.

Finally, she finished with her preparations. The room looked suitably schmaltzy, with a dark air and ambience. Just the kind of setting a wizened old woman with a crystal ball might use. Perfect. It would be just one more thing to snare the unwary, to hook those with some moronic desire or need to believe in this kind of nonsense.

Singly and in groups, shinobi of various ages trickled into the room, some of them welcoming Anko back into the fold. A number of civilians accompanied them, including a few esteemed elders who should have been embarrassed showing up for something like that. Naturally, there was no sign of the Hokage.

"I don't see why you want to go to this thing." That was Naruto's voice. It had the kunoichi smiling, and the guys chuckling and making snide remarks. They knew why he was here. Hinata. For all his protestations about girls, he often ended up doing whatever she liked. She, on the other hand, was still very quiet and shy; but, once Naruto had begun to pay attention to her, she surprised everyone by taking the lead in the relationship. Will wonders never cease? "It's stupid."

"Naruto-kun" Hinata walked into the gathering, tugging on Naruto's sleeve. She still looked overwhelmed, walking into a group of people acting in that fashion. But, that didn't stop her. "That's not very nice."

"I didn't say _you_ were stupid…" Naruto put in quickly.

"She would have to be," Kiba said. "If she chose you for her boyfriend." He held out his hand and Akamaru slapped it with his paw.

"I concur," Shino said. He held out his hand too, but Akamaru was too busy howling with canine laughter.

"Yeh. Sure." Naruto put his hands on his hips and glared at his friend. "Who's stupid? I'm here because Hinata dragged me. You don't have any excuse."

"_Sure_ we do," Kiba said, looking smug. "A lot of girls will be here tonight…" He stood a little straighter, glancing around the room, hoping to catch the eye of one of the chuunin girls a year or two his junior. "And I'm sure this will be good for a laugh."

"Definitely," Shino added.

"Well, you're right about that." Naruto ignored the look that Hinata gave him. It was nice having a girlfriend in a way. For someone like him, who treasured people and wanted positive attention, it was a good thing. But, it was a pain in the ass, trying to be polite all the time. "It's all too funny for words."

"So… you think this is all some kind of joke?" Anko threw some powder on one of the braziers. A large ball of fire erupted, followed by malodorous green smoke. "You doubt my abilities?"

A number of people quickly spoke up in support of Anko. Those same people roundly chastised the three verbal boys, trying to put them in their place.

"Ummm… she was the one who told me to dress the way I did…" Hinata blushed. The memory of her risque promenade in a get-up more suitable for a courtesan or cheap street-walker was fresh in her mind. That, and the royal scolding she took from her image-conscious father. "That's… it was the only way I was able to get your attention…"

Kiba let out a long wolf whistle. Akamaru howled. Shino said "Hubba hubba," shocking everyone who didn't understand his dry sense of humor.

"She told me what to do to get Shikamaru's attention," Ino said, making a face at Naruto. She hooked her elbow around her teammate's and pulled him closer to her.

"That's right!" Temari did the same thing. Shikamaru grimaced, caught in the middle yet again. One girl was bothersome. Two were troublesome to the extreme. He sighed, looking over at a dejected looking Choji. His friend was too depressed to even open a fresh chip bag. The rotund young ninja still had his heart set on Ino.

"I may even win Sakura's heart!" Lee went pale, blurting that out. After Naruto had essentially chose Hinata over Sakura, the bushy eye-browed boy had gathered up his courage and tried to get the pink-haired medical ninja to think about him. Even though she had pummeled him to the point of hospitalization at the time, she had been grateful that he came to stand up for her, back when Anko had convinced him that she was Naruto's slave.

Sakura gave Lee an irritated look that immediately set him off. He began doing pushups, counting as he went. Gai looked down at his pupil with fond pride, glad to see that he took matters of character to heart. Striking a stance, he claimed: "My string of victories against my rival Kakashi can be no coincidence."

"And we're cool!" Konohamaru piped up, once again needing to be in the spotlight, for whatever fleeting amount of time he could grasp.

"That's right." Moegi did a pirouette.

"Uhhh… what they said…" Udon looked like he wished that he had stayed home. He crouched down out of sight when a number of people began chuckling.

"Don't be such a troublemaker, Naruto." Sakura scolded her friend and fellow team member. She looked at him with a touch of disappointment; but, she shouldn't give up hope. Who could tell what the future might bring? If she worked up the courage, maybe she could ask some question on that subject tonight. "Obviously, Hinata hasn't been able to help your manners any."

"Why don't you tell that to Kiba and Shino, too?" Naruto frowned. Sakura was on his case more and more these days, with 'Hinata' this and 'Hinata' that. But, being as clueless as he was at times, he never figured out why.

"**ENOUGH!"** Anko released flash powder from her hands when she swept them in broad arc over the candle tops. Tongues of flame shot towards the low ceiling, singing a number of cobwebs in the process. "If you want to fight like children, take it outside."

Grudgingly, Naruto conceded to Hinata's request and sat down quietly. He opened his mouth to start again, when some of the girls chided him. He sighed and closed his mouth when Hinata tapped him lightly on one hand. How could such a quiet and unassuming girl have such power over him, when all the loud-mouthed demonstrative ones did not? Probably because she was a lot like him, in some ways, no matter how different they were otherwise.

"He's whipped." Kiba didn't care that the kunoichi and other gals glowered at him. He liked standing out in a crowd. Besides, what could they do to him?

"There can be no other explanation." Shino pulled his cowl a bit further over his face.

"Huh?" Naruto screwed up his face. "Whipped?" He looked over at Hinata, who shrugged. His eyes went wide when Gai dutifully assumed the mantle of the older more mature male and whispered 'pussy whipped,' and explained what that meant. When Ten Ten did the same for Hinata, the younger girl fainted. Anko saw, grinned, and took mental note.

"Now… if I may…" Anko favored everyone in the room with a steely and haughty gaze. She pulled her travel bag over to her with one foot, and then promptly sat down in the middle of the room. She smiled when Hinata regained consciousness and placed a hand over Naruto's mouth. Ino, Ten Ten, and Sakura added theirs on top of the smaller ninja's.

The crowd sat silently, a tangible hint of excitement and building curiosity filling the musty air. Seeing that the believers in the audience were all rapt, Anko slid the Ouija board out of the carrying case.

"The Spirit Board," Anko pronounced. "Some of the elder seers and sages called it the Talking Board." She didn't add that she would name it something different when her mercenary urges took over down the road. "It is a very powerful and time-proven tool of the mystics." She let that claim hang in the air like a spectre. Seeing everyone look at one another, she continued. The bait was in their mouths. She needed only to set the hook.

"What does it do?" Gai moved closer for a better look.

"I will place this planchette on the board," Anko replied, showing her fellow ninja a small triangular object with casters. "I will rest my fingers on it." She demonstrated. "I will then start moving it around the board, speaking to the entity or entities that I wish to summon."

"Entities?" Rock Lee looked uncomfortable. In his own way, he was one of the bravest shinobi of the Leaf. The thought of unseen beings sent a chill down his spine just the same.

"You better hold his hand, Sakura." Kiba chuckled, seeing the angry look on the kunoichi's face.

"Sure." Naruto folded his arms over his chest. "Entities. Right." He was about to say 'Who believes in that kind of crap?' Instead, his slid one hand down to his belly, about navel level. With Kyuubi inside him, and having learned about the other Bijuu that Akatsuki had been after, he should be the one who rushed quickly to dismiss anything.

"Please, Naruto-kun." Hinata looked somewhat startled herself. But, she was surprised to find that she was excited too. As long as Naruto was near her, she had nothing to fear.

"Someone put a gag on that boy," some wiseacre in the rear of the room quipped. Naruto turned to see who it was, but couldn't tell.

"No. Put a bag over his head." Another joker's comment had a large number of people chuckling.

"I happen to have a spare," Anko said, holding up an empty bag. That had everyone laughing, and Naruto pulling at his lower lip. "But… if everyone else wants to do the talking… maybe I should just keep my mouth shut." When everyone promised to behave, she told them to sit. "Alright. Back to basics. No questions. Just listen." She took out a sharp nasty looking knife and began flipping it in one hand. She liked threats. Threats were good. "When I speak to the entity, it will act through me, causing my hand to move. Eventually the planchette will come to rest on one letter after another, spelling out a message."

Kiba smiled, but kept quiet. Naruto opened his mouth, but thought better of it. Shino slowly drifted off into sleep, causing Akamaru to bark when he started to snore.

"The board is a tool or medium through which a skilled user can communicate with the spirit realm. This is not just some kind of game. I don't play games." That much was true. Everyone who knew her would know that much. "Do not interrupt me when I begin. Basic guidelines must be followed. If I falter, and the entity I'm in contact with is an evil one, we could all suffer as a result." She looked at Naruto. "Some of them make the Kyuubi look like a lap dog." The intensity of excitement and anticipation went up a few notches. "Do not question their answers. They may take note of you. That would _not_ be a good thing…"

Anko had talked with an old woman at the village she had guested at. She was very knowledgeable, and knew the truth behind the Ouija board. It had nothing to do with spirits or the occult. There was nothing demonic about the device. Instead, the explanation lay with the concept of the ideomotor effect, an involuntary and unconscious motor behavior.

That term also explained the movements of dowsing rods and pendulums by dowsers, and table turning by spirit mediums. Medical ninjas were well aware of the fact that muscular movement can be initiated by the mind independently of volition or emotions. While an individual may not be aware of it, suggestions can be made to his or her mind by others, or by observations. Those suggestions can influence the mind and affect the way one moves parts of the body. In other words, physiological _not_ paranormal.

"I expect you all to be completely quiet for the next few minutes." Anko took assorted paraphernalia out of her carry bag. "I must perform ritual to cleanse the board. Whatever you do, make certain you don't blow out any of the small white candles." That sounded suitably ominous. She could sense that her repeat customers were lapping this all up. "The board will act as a magnet for earthborn beings. That's why it should never be used in graveyards, haunted houses, or sites of tragedy."

"_This_ is a site of tragedy," Naruto muttered. He wasn't referring to any past event; rather, he meant his having to be there was tragic.

"Think happy thoughts," Anko said, purposefully throwing a handful of powder in Naruto's face. "Visualize silver rain, or focus on seeing the auras of those next to you." Every time a match burned out, she tossed it at the skeptical ninja. "Call upon any spiritual guide you have to protect you, and to make certain that the ones I call tonight will speak only the truth."

"Hah!" Kiba pointed at the powder covered Naruto. "He looks like a donut or something!"

"Not very appetizing though," Shino said dryly.

"Thanks, Shino." Ino made a face. "Now I won't be stepping inside of a bakery for at least a year."

"That's probably best," Sakura said impishly. "It looks like every donut you've every eaten has gone to your hips." Both Ino and Sakura stood up, glaring at one another. Obviously, some vestigial part of their earlier rivalry remained.

"**S---I---L---E---N---C---E."** Anko swiflty and covertly called upon her Genjutsu skills. The room seemed to fill with a thin grey mist, and the temperature of the crowded enclosure seemed to drop a number of degrees. "Most of the spirits contacted through the Ouija are those who reside on the lower astral plane. These spirits are often very confused, and may have died a violent or sudden death through murder, suicide, or fierce battles. They themselves may tend to be violent if provoked." Using her talents again, she made it seem as if a foul stench arose in the room. The other shinobi had no reason to think about dispelling illusion.

"Phew!" Kiba put a hand over his nose. "That was probably Naruto." He didn't care what Anko said. He was sure this mumbo jumbo was all fake. "Just like at the chuunin exams."

"_WOOF!"_ Akamaru barked, reliving his own memories from that past fight.

Anko stared at the noisy ninja. Yes. Kiba had earned special treatment, later. Fortunately, only he and Naruto seemed to be outwardly doubtful. Them and that other boy, the one who gave her the creeps for some reason. She could deal with snakes. Bugs were something else altogether. "I see how much you care about your friends and fellow villagers," she said. "Your own pitiful attempts at humor mean more to you than their safety." She put every ounce of contempt into her voice that she could muster. "Your negative energies may very well attract vile creatures to this place, now that the board is primed and ready. There are beings that can possess the bodies of their victims and cause normally gentle, nonviolent people to commit outrageous crimes." She paused, and made a big show of hanging her head. "Orochimaru admitted to me that he used talking boards as a genin." She thought that was a rather nice touch.

"This is so bothersome," Shikamaru drawled, immediately shushed by the girls on either side of him.

"Another skeptic?" Anko raised one eyebrow. "Perhaps you are not as much of a genius as everyone thinks." She shrugged. "There were a number of instances of cattle mutilation… human vampirism…and strange psychiatric occurrences… in the villages that I visited. We traced their origin to the use of spirit boards by untrained amateurs… and to situations where the listeners overstepped their bounds." She let that sink in. This was fun. Many of the younger shinobi looked truly worried. "A device such as this can be a window into heaven…" She caused another series of flames to shoot upward. "…Or a doorway into hell." That ought to have them stirred up enough. As some of the listeners shifted their weight about uneasily, a number of floorboards creaked. It cause a few of the girls to huddle closer together.

After that, the devious jounin began going through more confabulated ritual motions, until she seemed to experience a fit of convulsions. When she stopped shaking, she slowly reached out, took up the planchette, and placed it on the board at a place marked 'Start.' In a distant sounding voice, she asked "Who has a question for the spirit realm. All things in the human world are visible to us. Any answer can be found."

At first, no one spoke up. Then, suddenly, it seemed that everyone had a question. A number of people wanted to contact deceased friends and relatives. Others focused on the living, or on their own fears and hopes.

"Why don't you ask the spirits what they think about green suits," Naruto said to Lee, ribbing his friend.

"Hey, that's great!" Kiba congratulated Naruto. That ought to be worth a good laugh. "Oi! Spirits. What do the nether regions think about Gai and his suit?"

"_Ahhhh-hhh-hh-h_…" Anko made her voice sound different. Slowly, she moved the planchette, highlighting one letter of the alphabet after the other. The 'nether regions' gave her a rather juicy direction. She knew just what to spell out, to cause her fellow jounin a great deal of grief. **G**… **A**… **Y**.

"Gay!" Kiba sat up straighter. He snapped his fingers. "We should have guessed…"

"_What's_ gay?" Naruto made a face. He tried to be understanding of peoples' differences, but certain things still made him feel uncomfortable. He remembered the shock he felt, thinking Haku might be a cute girl, but realizing he was indeed a he. "Gai… or the suit he wears…"

Anko moved her hands again. **B**… **O**… **T**… **H**. That set the whole place in an uproar. Gai shouted that he was not like that, and Lee looked at him at with a stunned look on his face. The younger ninja looked down at his own green clothing and blinked rapidly.

"What about Lee?" Sakura asked that. Her question had an immediate effect on Lee, as one might expect. He started shaking his head and waving his hands vehemently.

Again, Anko spelled out words. **G**… **A**… **I**…**'**…**S**… …**S**… **T**… **U**… **D**… **E**… **N**… **T**.

As with many Ouija board answers, the reply was very vague and could be taken many ways. The talking and whispering reached crescendo levels.

"And Gai gave _me_ one of those suits, too." Naruto shuddered, thinking back to the day. "Did that mean…" He scooted across the floor, away from Gai's location.

"Well, Naruto's not that way." Sakura spoke up, knowing Naruto better than anyone, except possibly for Hinata. She knew the question she wanted most to ask. 'Do I have a chance with Naruto some day?' But, she didn't want to ask things that way. She would take a different tack. "So… spirits…. ' It was hard coming out and asking this. Everyone would feel sorry for her or something. "How are… Naruto and Hinata… you know…" She chickened out, unable to say 'How are Naruto and Hinata going to do as a couple.'

"_Ummmm-mmm-mm-m_…" Anko closed her eyes and moved the planchette again. She had all of the letter placements memorized through physical memory. **B**… **U**… **N**… … **I**… **N**… … **O**… **V**… **E**… **N**. That one ought to really catch fire!

"Wh-… Wh-… What!" Sakura stiffened up. The words her 'Inner Sakura' began spouting cannot be repeated in polite company. She knew what that aphorism meant.

"Huh?" Naruto made a face. He was still somewhat naïve. "O… sure… we often get messy in the kitchen." His words inadvertently added fuel to the fire. He was referring to the fact that Hinata loved to cook, and had been showing him the way around a kitchen.

"Heh… heh… heh…" Kiba's face practically glowed. "Naruto, you stud." He looked over at his teammate, wondering why Hinata was trying to look so innocent. "It's always the quiet ones."

"Who would have guessed?" Shino stared at Hinata critically, wondering just how well he knew his team member.

When Ten Ten bent over to explain what having a bun in the oven meant, Hinata passed out again.

"Naruto did that…" Choji suddenly looked even more gloomy than before. He had always wondered how the other guys were doing with girls, always seeing himself as a poor exception to everything. In Naruto and Lee, he had seen guys that he thought would be in the same state he was, regarding his virginity. Well, he might as well get more bad news. "Spirits… what about Kiba?"

Anko barely managed to repress a smile. Now it was time for the Inuzuka boy to get what he deserved. Finally. **L**… **O**… **V**… **E**… **S**… … **T**… **H**… **E**… … **D**… **O**… **G**. Another vague answer. Another fuse lit.

"Gross!" Naruto shook a fist at Kiba. "Poor Akamaru!" His mouth was running ahead of his mind yet again. He knew that Anko was a fraud and a trouble-maker.

"But…" Kiba couldn't get a word in edgewise. He looked over at Anko. Some how, someday, she would pay. He flinched seeing a group of pretty girls look in his direction and make a look of disgust. "I never…" He growled, as did his canine companion.

Choji actually looked a bit pleased, after he got over his shock. So there was someone worse off than he was!

Anko couldn't believe how well things were going. There would be dozens of rumors flying around town like arrows, before the night was out. She wasn't really sex-obsessed herself, but she knew just what kind of issues would capture the populace's imagination. One thing that caught the attention of impressionable listeners was the topic of death. Another was any personal fear they might have. But, even more so, at least on some subconscious level, people often thought about sex. She would mine that vein for all it was worth.

"What about Shino?" Choji blurted that out, feeling a bit self-conscious suddenly. He didn't want to seem like the whole topic excited him.

**L**… **I**… **K**… **E**… **S**… … **G**… **I**… **R**… **L**… **S**. Anko stopped her movement for a brief moment, a bit perturbed that she couldn't see Shino's face, one way or another. Then, she added her next zinger. Perfect. "**B**… **U**… **T**… … **L**… **I**… **K**… **E**… **S**… … **T**… **O**… … **W**… **E**…**A**…**R**… … **D**… **R**… **E**… **S**… **S**.

As one might expect, the frenzy grew and grew. Not one to show emotion, Shino became visibly upset. He knew the board was a hoax. He was well aware what Anko was up to. But, he was bright enough to know that many of the people in the room actually thought some spirit was revealing secrets.

"Maybe I'm not so bad, after all." Smiling, Choji began attacking his unopened snack bags with renewed vigor.

Ino decided to strike while the iron was hot. The whole topic of intimate relations naturally had her thinking about Shikamaru. Him, and Temari. She wanted to know if he were lying about never having gone all the way with the Sand kunoichi. She also wanted to know how to make sure she was the one. "And Shikamaru?" She crossed her fingers. Suddenly, she felt a sense of dread. The other answers had not treated the people in question very kindly.

"_Nnnn-nnn-nn-n_…" Anko went through her spiel again. This time, she could nail a number of people. **P**… **L**… **A**… **Y**… **E**… **R**. She couldn't help grinning, when she saw both Ino's and Temari's reaction. Shikamaru merely closed his eyes and let out a long sigh of annoyance. **M**… **O**… **E**… **G**…**I**. That had Udon and Konohamaru gasping, staring at their teammate. Ino kicked Shikamaru in the shin, hard. **T**…**E**… **N**… … **T**… **E**… **N**. The jounin had never seen Neji look the way he did, hearing that. She added a couple of other names, before going for the coup de gras. **T**… **S**… **U**… **N**. Her hand paused, letting the dramatic tension build up. Paybacks are a bitch! **A**… **D**… **E**.

Naruto jumped to his feet, enraged. He began to shout at Anko, coming to the defense of 'Granny Tsunade.'

Moving extremely quickly, Anko took on the form of a ghostly apparition, touching Naruto on the shoulder with a quick acting paralysis agent. When he keeled over, and Hinata rushed to aid him, she resumed her own form and spoke. "Nobody move! I must restrain the spirit!" There was an impressive light show after that, complete with various sound effects. She was rather impressed with herself. Ninja techniques were not just for the job anymore! They were for personal pleasure and gratification, too. "That was much too close. You will all need to stay under control. The truth can be rather shocking."

"Naruto-kun…" Hinata looked up at Anko, a pleading look in her eyes. "Can you help him?"

"I managed to stop the spirit before any serious damage was done." Anko put her hand to her forehead, pretending to be drained and weary. "We might not be so lucky, next time…" The angry recipients and skeptics in the room were drowned out by everyone promising to behave.

"Hey…" Konohamaru piped up. He was secretly glad to see that Naruto was human, after all. Thinking about his friend and self-proclaimed rival, his mind had stumbled upon a question he had always wondered about. "I have one…" Every time he saw Naruto these days, it was in the company of Sakura and the Copy Ninja. "Why does that Kakashi guy wear a mask?"

Anko convulsed again. She took up the planchette. Telling herself that she wasn't jealous of Kakashi's abilities, and did not resent the fact that he was viewed as a shining example of Konoha's best, while she was seen as some kind of freak, she tried to come up with the perfect answer. OK. That would do. **H**… **I**… **D**… **I**… **N**… **G**. That would make sense to some people. **C**… **O**… **N**… **V**… **I**… **C**… **T**… **E**… **D**… … **F**… **E**… **L**… **O**… **N**. She paused again, letting the sense of shock and mystery grow. Ahhh. It would be a low blow. So what! This was about trouble, not the truth. **P**…**E**… **D**… **O**… **P**… **H**… **I**… **L**… **E**.

"I should have known!" Suddenly, Gai was transformed from the injured party, into a gloating adversary. While he knew the things said about him were not true, he instantly grasped onto the remarks about his fellow jounin. "It's those books! The true of heart and pure of spirit would never read something like that! His is the pimple on the shining face of Konoha!" The Copy Ninja was not there to defend himself.

"That's not true!" No one seemed interested in listening to Sakura. Irate, she turned and looked at Konohamaru. Well, turnabout's fair play. She would see if the little cretin had some skeletons in _his_ closet. Turning back to the board, she called out in a loud voice. "What about Konohamaru?"

**N**… **O**… … **G**… **I**… **R**… **L**… **F**… **R**… **I**… **E**…**N**…**D**. Anko frowned a bit. Her fingers were becoming a bit cramped, moving the damn device around. But, she smiled, hearing Konohamaru claiming that as the grandson of a Hokage he would have plenty of girlfriends when he was older. Even though everyone should know he was too young to be doing anything about hormonal urges and the like, she thought up a great addition. "**H**… **A**… **S**… … **B**… **L**… **O**… **W**… **-**… **U**… **P**… … **D**… **O**… **L**… **L**.

"Figures," Sakura said, with a sense of satisfaction. But, her sense of pleasure wouldn't last long. Having spoken up, she made herself a target.

"_Hmmmpppfff."_ Ino looked really cross. She didn't know whether or not to believe what she had heard about Shikamaru. Even though none of that was Sakura's fault, she would serve as a good release for her anger. "What about Freaky Forehead Girl?" She was still a bit miffed that the medical ninja wouldn't share her feelings with her, while she in contrast was willing to talk about her teammate until the cows came home. "We all suspect it. Doesn't she have a big crush on Naruto?"

"_Ohmmm-mm-m_…" Anko shook a little bit, a small bit of saliva rolling down her chin. She made a few other nondescript noises as she tried to think of the next new angle. Mmmm hmmm. That was a good one! **N**… **O**. That was just the first part. It might even make Sakura feel somewhat relieved. She shouldn't, though. Not just yet. **S**… **A**… **V**… **I**… **N**… **G**… … **F**… **O**… **R**… … **S**… **E**… **X**… … **C**… **H**… **A**… **N**… **G**… **E**.

"Oi!" Kiba clapped. Still steamed, he nonetheless could appreciate that verbal knife to the back. He grudgingly admitted that Anko was good at what she did. Unfortunately. "Never saw that one coming. Maybe _that's_ why she had a thing for Sasuke. He was prettier than most of the girls."

"Sakura…" The double blow was almost too much for poor Lee. First, Gai and green stretchy suits. Now, the love of his life. How could fate be so cruel?

"That forehead would probably be distinguished on a guy," Ino quipped, loving every moment of it. "Or some big old cow…" That started Sakura and Ino wrangling again. Things looked like they could get ugly real fast.

"The… who…" Lee's voice cracked. "Who does Sakura…_ really_ like…" Maybe the spirit was mistaken. That was it! If he had faith, things would turn out well. He knew they would. It was something that Gai-sensai always told him. Then again, maybe his mentor didn't tell him everything, right?

Anko closed her eyes and leaned from side to side for a moment. Who else could she zap? O! Right! How could she forget? There had been someone who had been a bit pompous and self-righteous, coming into Madame Anko's place of business. Sure, she might have had a valid reason; but, that didn't matter. **K**… **U**… **R**… **E**… **N**… **A**… **I**.

"So _that_ was why she wouldn't date me!" Gai regained some of his composure. He struck a pose, oblivious to the giggling it engendered. "Kakashi told me it was the clothes. And the whole teeth thing. That and my haircut. I knew he was lying." He laughed. "You can never trust a sex offender."

"That's it!" Kiba had finally heard enough. His teacher wasn't there to defend herself. "Akamaru… dynamic marking…" He intended to have the dog spin through the air, spraying Anko with urine.

"Enough is enough." Shino began to call forth his chakra bugs.

Anko was ready. Some of the powders she had laying about were sneezing agents. Others cause temporary blindness. Deftly, she doused the three antagonists, without getting much on the other spectators. Then, just as a groggy Naruto was sitting up, she gave her three adversaries a taste of the paralytic agent. They all keeled over. The way Kiba unconsciously draped over Akamaru bordered on the obscene, to anyone there with a dirty mind, or those who took 'Lady Anko' and the 'spirit' at their word.

"Aww-w-ww-w…" Naruto rubbed his head. "What's going on?"

"Kiba's into bestiality," Choji replied helpfully. "Kakashi is a pedophile. Shino wears dresses. Shika is a ladies' man. Konohamaru has an inflatable sex toy." He began stuffing his mouth with chips and pork rinds again. "O! And Sakura is planning on becoming a man."

"Huh?" Naruto put his hands on his hips. "You really believe any of that? You're not as idiotic as the rest of them, _are_ you?" He quickly dismissed Hinata from that blanket statement when he heard her traditional 'Naruto-kun.' He spread his feet apart and clenched his fists when a large number of people in the room stood up for Anko. He was ready. He would take them all if necessary, to prove his point.

"Ummm.." Hinata moved to diffuse the situation. "Lady Anko… spirits…" She looked over at Naruto. There was one question that came to mind. Something very important. "Will Naruto become Hokage some day?"

"_Mmmm mmmm mmmm_…" Anko couldn't have asked for a better question. This would sting the loud-mouthed and unpredictable ninja, even though he didn't believe in the ruse. **Y**… **E**…**S**. She paused again. It was interesting to watch the reaction in the various people in the room. Even as Hinata congratulated him happily, Naruto scowled at her. **W**… **H**… **E**… **N**… … **P**… **I**… **G**… **S**… … **F**… **L**… **Y**. That was especially funny to her. She had thought about flinging that irritating Ton Ton out of a window on numerous occasions.

"Spirit…" Naruto thumbed his nose. He looked down at the unconscious Kiba, Shino, and Akamaru. He glanced over at everyone that he had heard disparaged. They were his friends. They were his precious ones. "Tell us just how bad I'm going to kick Anko's ass…" With that, the crowded room became even more crowded. Naruto clones filled every bit of the remaining space.

_P-O-O-F!_

Anko's form disappeared in a puff of smoke. She had used the substitution technique just before Naruto predictable pulled out his Kage Bunshin No Jutsu. Leaving her gear behind, she had leaped out an open window before anyone realized she was making a break for it.

She smiled. She could only imagine to tumult going on back in the small building. No doubt her supporters and adherents would be moving to her defense. There would be bumps, bruises, and smarting egos when everything was done. Not a bad bit of chaos for so little investment of time, effort, and money!

Of course, she would be _persona non grata_ soon enough. People would catch on. The truth would come out. But, not before the whole village heard everything that took place.

"I think I'll go see what Tsunade had chosen as my next assignment." She sped on her way. It would be advantageous to ask… and to leave early, if necessary… before the Hokage caught word of her little game.

This time, it would be advantageous to go as far away as possible. A nice little mountain retreat might be just the thing!

FINIS


End file.
